Dear AdviceLady,
Me and my boyfriend broke up on Friday. He
told me that he cheated on
me when I was in the other room asleep. Now he wants to get back
together! I
don't know what to do! Please help me!
Signed,
Crushed in Castle Rock
Dear Crushed,
I know EXACTLY what I'd do. Let me put it
this way, Satan would suffer
frostbite before he'd lay eyes on me again. Got it?
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I love my boyfriend a lot, but this guy friend who caused
me a lot of
pain, recently told me he loved me and wants to be with me. I don't
know what to
do.
Signed,
Hurting in Helena
Dear Hurting,
This has less to do with you loving your boyfriend
and more to do with
you being smart. Does once bitten twice shy mean anything to you?
Please
don't act like a Florida voter here. It's not that confusing!
Dear AdviceLady,
Hi! I'm 14 years old, and me and my
girlfriend are coming up to our 1
year anniversary, and I don't know what to do. I'm too young to make it a
date at night, so I wanna make it an all day anniversary. Please give
me
some ideas on what to do. I need big help. I wanna treat her
good. I love
her a lot and I don't wanna make it a dull day. Please, please give
help.
Ideas, tips, even specific places to go. Anything to help will do.
Please!
I'm desperate!
Signed,
Desperate in Dallas
Dear Desperate,
A dear friend of mine gave me a great idea for you!
Make the day
special by having a treasure hunt. Get your friends and family
involved, and
it will really be neat and she will remember it for a long time! The
next
time you are over at her house, slip a sweet card under a rug or a lamp.
Call her the morning of your anniversary and tell her to go look under the
lamp. When she finds the card, it will say that you will call back at
10:00
with another clue on the treasure hunt. You call back and 10:00 and
surprise
her by telling her you are coming over with the clues in person (after you
had acted like you couldn't). When you get there, you tell her to go
get her
math book. Inside you've sneaked a key. What does the key open?
At 2:00
you'll tell her! At 2:00 you pull a box out of your jacket pocket.
Inside,
there is a small gift and a little piece of paper folded up. It has
another
clue, and so on, and so on. You can give several small gifts and keep
her
guessing all day. How do you like that one? She'll love it!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My husband and I have been married for less than a
year and in a
relationship for almost 3 years. The problem is his ex-girlfriend
(this is a
first marriage for both of us) is dragging us through the mud regarding
their
son. If she's not taking us to court for more money, she's calling
with some
kind of gripe. This has all surfaced since we got married.
Sometimes I feel
that there are still some feelings there on both of their parts. They
were broken up for a year when we met and, as I mentioned, we have been
together for almost 3 years and I can't seem to shake this feeling.
Here's why:
My husband is almost obsessed with this child. He cries almost every
time
the kid goes home after a visit. Everything he has to say about this
woman
is derogatory. She isn't the nicest person but he is ridiculous about
it.
My husband's parents died when he was very young and this still hurts him
very much. I tell myself the separation from his son has something to
do
with his early separation from his parents and is difficult for him.
But I
can't help feeling that he wishes he was still with her and his son when he
behaves like this. She is, in fact, the one who ended the
relationship. Am
I just being insecure? When I ask him about it, he claims that I am.
Our
relationship in every other aspect is close to perfect. We are as
close
as two people can get. We talk about everything and he seems to love
me very
deeply. I want my marriage to work, AdviceLady, but I am growing tired
of
feeling like he would have rather stayed with her and his son. Nobody wants
to feel like they are second fiddle.
Signed,
Second fiddle in Sand Springs
Dear Second fiddle,
Give the guy a break is what I say. I don't
have children of my own,
and it sounds like you don't either. We don't know what people go
through
when they are separated from their children. If you have a great
relationship with this one exception, then it sounds like the problem is
you.
He is WITH you and he LOVES you, but that does not stop the fact that
this
old girlfriend and his child incite feelings in him that have nothing to do
with you. Everything is not about you. Lighten up!
Back to Letters
Dear Advicelady,
I'm 30-years-old and I like someone at work. I was
in a relationship for
many years. I am interested in a man at work, but don't know what to
do.
What should I do. I have never asked a man out before. How can I tell if he
is interested? Is it OK to ask a man out?
Signed,
Lost in Las Vegas
Dear Lost,
I have said in letters before that it is a very bad
idea to date people
from work. I would not suggest it. As far as asking a guy out, I
would ask
a guy out to lunch one time as an innocent way to show interest and not
appear romantically interested at the same time. He can't PROVE IT!
Let him
take it from there. Don't ask him to do anything during the evening,
because
that can be considered a DATE. Don't ask him on a DATE...ask him for
LUNCH
at the MOST. Good luck.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have been dating an awesome guy for about 7 months now.
He lives an
hour away, but we get to see each other just about every weekend and talk
3-4
times a week. When we met he was a 27-year-old virgin. The relationship has
progressed really well and we are very much in love. About 4 months
ago we
made love. The problem is that he makes me feel as if I have to beg him for
sex whenever we do it. We only make love once every three to four
weeks, and
it seems he only does it to get it over with and doesn't really enjoy it. I
asked him about it and he said he was just too tired. It seems to me that
every other guy can't get enough when they first loose their virginity. How
can I make this situation better?
Signed,
Frustrated in Fernwood
Dear Frustrated,
Married women all over the country would love a
chance to tell you what
I'm going to say, but I am the lucky one who gets to tell you: ENJOY
IT
WHILE IT LASTS! We're all so tired of it we could scream! Trust
me, you
will be too, someday. Me and my married friends talk about it all the
time.
You start thinking to yourself, "OK, we've done that 5,000 times
now...think
we could just watch the Late Show and go to sleep for once?" No,
it's not
really THAT bad, but close!
Another thing, you may not have to worry about him
marrying you. You
are not acting like a girl who has much respect for herself. I doubt
he
finds that attractive.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am half out of my wits on this one. He is 23 and
a post-grad student.
I am 45 and a divorcee with two small children. I know him through our
studies. He is intelligent, gentle, kind, and appealing. Our interests are
similar and our goals virtually the same. Problem? He loves me and I love
him. I think we should wait. He wants to marry. I believe that if this is to
work we should wait a few years to be sure. It will give him time to mature
and US time to assess where we are going. I DO LOVE HIM. I just don't
want
to rush into a logistical nightmare. I think by the time he is 25 we should
have a clearer idea where the relationship should go.
Your thoughts?
Signed,
Older in New Orleans
Dear Older,
My thoughts? I will not even entertain this
discussion. This is
something wise people would not even be in the situation to give a thought
to. Furthermore, two years will make no difference as the age gap will
remain the same. How embarrassing for both of you that there is a
romantic
relationship here at all.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am a 20-year-old college student. There is a girl
I like that I am friends with, but I want to be more than friends with her -
if you know what I mean. I am really attracted to her, and want to
tell her
this, but at the same time I am afraid to because if she does not
feel the same way it would totally mess up our friendship, and I don't want
to lose that either.
How do I find out if this girl likes me or not? Or what is the
best way
for me to find out whether she feels the same way about me as I do about her
without being too awkward about it. If you can help, I'd much
appreciate it.
Thanks a lot.
Signed,
Just friends in Jacksonville
Dear Just Friends,
If she hasn't flirted with you, or tried to sit
CLOSE to you, or somehow
given you the indication that she feels warmly toward you...I would not
approach her with this. She will be thinking, "here we go again
with a guy
trying to put the moves on me...this is so old." Girls get really
tired of
being cheesed on, and we really can't take it from a guy who claims to be a
friend. Wait and let her show some interest first.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My best friend and I just recently went out on what he
called "our first
real date." It wasn't anything big, just dancing and stuff, but afterwards
a
mutual friend of ours said that he had this huge crush on me. Until
that
time I had no clue that he liked me. He's really nice, but I'm afraid
if we
date it will ruin our friendship. I'm not physically attracted to him
but
his personality is great. I Don't know! Help me!
Signed,
Unattracted in Union City
Dear Unattracted,
Give it up! If you have no physical
attraction for him, it's useless.
Tell him you want to keep it 'just friends', period. Trust me on this
one.
You can't make yourself be attracted if you aren't. Attraction is very
important. He'll find someone else.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We
have no problems
regarding love or that type of thing. What we have is a racial and religious
issue. Not between us, or our families, but those around us, friends and
neighbors
alike. He is Indian from India, and I am white American. He is also a
different religion than I, Hindu, whereas I am pagan. We have no problems
with this, nor does our family as I said before, but we are in a
conservative
state, and our neighbors and friends are, for the most part, Mormon, and
object to our union. Some even scorn and or shun us. Is there anything we
can
do to get through this, or at least try to explain to our friends how we
feel? We've tried everything we can think of. We have thought of moving, but
we want that to be a last resort, as the place we live is very clean and
friendly on whole with very low pollution and crime. Please help. Any advice
you can give would help us out greatly.
Signed,
Different in Delaware
Dear Different,
I feel sorry for you. This is a difficult
situation. Your religion and
your boyfriend's is no one's business. I wouldn't leave my home unless
I
began to feel unsafe. Everyone else is in the wrong here. I may
not agree
with your religion, but if you live next door to me, it's none of my
business
if you keep it on your side of the fence. Don't let them run you off!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
A year ago I was arrested for telling a cop that he
was obstructing
traffic. The charge was disorderly conduct. I was handcuffed and
put in a
holding cell and somehow ended up with an appearance ticket. I was
treated
abrasively by the cop. I retained a lawyer, went to court and the
charges
were dismissed. My attorney is suing the city I live in with the
following
charges: Violation of my first, fourth, eighth and fourteenth
amendment
rights.
This past September I was walking to the store with
my ex-wife when I
thought I recognized the cop that arrested me. As I walked past him I
glanced at his name. He asked me what I was looking at and I told him
his name. I went into the store and he appeared at my side and pressed
himself up against me. I asked him if he wanted to get by and he said,
'no.' I asked him why he was
pressing against me and he said, 'I'm not.' I asked him if he knew
what
assault was and he said, 'yes.' I figured he remembered me, so I asked
him
if he did remember me. He said, 'no.' He kept standing pressed
against me
for several minutes, then he turned and left the store.
My attorney sent an investigator to my home to
speak with myself and my
ex-wife. He also went to the store to speak to the clerk who was a
witness.
The clerk is not from this country and is easily intimidated by authority
figures. The investigator told the clerk that he is an ex-cop and the
clerk did not fully
understand the prefix "ex."
While the investigator was in my home, he phoned a
police precinct and
made plans to go out drinking with his friends on the police force.
When he
was done questioning the store clerk, he was outside socializing with the
officers from the same precinct that I was arrested in.
I phoned my attorney and told him it is
unethical to have a cop so
closely tied to the police force to be investigating a claim against a
police
officer. He replied, what's so unethical about it?
So, I ask you. Is it unethical or does my
attorney have no ethics? I
await your response.
Signed,
Ethical in East Ridge
Dear Ethical,
AdviceLady is no lawyer, but this is how I feel.
I would not be paying
an attorney I did not trust. I want to have a good feeling about my
doctor,
and my attorney, too. I don't make a second visit to a doctor I get a
bad
feeling about. If I had a bad feeling about this lawyer, he'd be out.
The
fact is, YOU think there is something unethical going on here, and you may
be
able to find an attorney who agrees with you. I would look around and
see if
I could find an attorney that agrees with me. If no one else agrees
with
you, then keep this guy. That's what I would do.
Back to Letters
HI ADVICELADY!
I have a love question that no one really cares
about. My only turn is
to you. I just got over a long-term relationship about a year ago, and
I
thought I would never fall in love again. Then, one day when I went to
the
mall and bought some CD's. I spotted a girl who looked so pretty and
had the
personality of an angel! I would call it love at first sight, but my
friends
would call me an idiot. She worked in the music store, so the only
thing I
said to her was, ''can you help me find this CD?" The reason I
like her is
(1)she's a teen (2)she was so polite to me unlike others who worked
there
(3)she's very attractive (4)she always smiles when I look at her.
My question to you is how can I get to know her
better without making
myself look dumb. At first I thought why not go to the music store
everyday
just to see her, but then (1)she'll probably think that I'm stalking her (2)
I don't have too much money to spend on CD's every day...Please ADVICELADY
HEEEEELLLLP!!!! Thank you for
your time.
Signed,
Music lover in Miami
Dear Music lover,
Get this! When I met my wonderfully
successful and charming husband he
was in college. All throughout college he worked at a home improvement
store. I had the bright idea that I would go to the home improvement
store
to talk to him and get to know him...kinda like you and the girl at the
record store. Imagine how out of place I was at the home improvement
warehouse! I was a little college girl who lived in an apartment!
Anyway, I
thought of one excuse after another to go there. First, I needed a key
made.
Next, I was building a shelf! I did run into him, and he did ask
me out.
The funny part is that he didn't even realize I was coming in there to see
him! Looking back, I think he was pretty dumb! Go on and visit
the record
store! She will not know you are coming to see her! Ask her
about some
CD's, and strike up a conversation. I don't think you are an idiot at
all.
It worked for me! I'm married to the guy!
Back to Letters
Well AdviceLady.com,
I found your website because I was thinking of
doing the same thing, but
you beat me to it! Cute little website you have here. So while
I'm here, I
figure I'll ask you for some advice.
I have a 22-year-old daughter who's been
engaged over a year. She tells
me that she doesn't want me to help her make her wedding arrangements.
She
is a procrastinator with expensive taste, is easily offended, volatile, and
quick-tempered. We've had a very difficult relationship over the years
and
she's easily angered. (No, she's NOT mature enough to get married.)
I've
been divorced from her father for 15 years. He and I don't like each
other
much. The problem is, she wants an unconventional wedding, and her
fiance's
mother is upset about it. I fear that my daughter is too immature to
see
that she needs to take all three groups of parents wishes into
consideration,
if possible. Her fiance's mother called me the other night and was
very
upset because her son told her that they're thinking of getting married with
just the immediate family in a castle two hours away. His mother wants
a
conventional wedding. My ex-husband is pretty unconventional, and
would
rather the kids have a small wedding and he said that then he would give
them
money. None of us are rolling in money. My daughter's fiance
asked his
parents if they would have a party for them after the wedding, at their
house, for 160 people, telling his mother that somehow it would be catered
(the kids have NO money, both are very strapped and neither of them are
saving money for the wedding or for their future), and she wouldn't have to
do anything. Of course she knew better, and she also knows that it's
more
expensive to have a catered affair at home because everything has to be
rented. She said no and now her son isn't speaking to her. She
called me,
and I told her that my daughter had already asked me if they could have the
wedding at my house, telling me it would be less expensive to do so, and I'd
said no also. (Because I knew it would be more expensive than to have
it
somewhere.)
Yes, I know these kids are too immature to get
married. However, it
seems like it's going to happen and my daughter's fiance is a very nice
person.
My question is this - should I: 1) Keep
my mouth shut and not do
anything unless my daughter asks me to help? 2) Try and get everyone
together to discuss it? 3) Give my daughter motherly advice to
be
considerate and gracious about her future mother-in-law's wishes. 4)
Offer
to make the wedding arrangements, telling her that I will take everyone's
wishes into consideration. (I am afraid of getting overly involved
because
we don't get along and the peace won't last long. But
I think that my daughter needs help and I feel bad because I'm her mother.)
5) Tell her that I am willing to give her X amount of money towards
the
wedding...period.
Signed,
Planning in Patten
Dear Planning,
Here's what I think. Brace yourself!
Your brat doesn't want your help.
I would oblige her! This is HER day, and if she wants to run off to a
castle
with only her immediate family, then you should all be thrilled about it!
Gas up the car, shut up, and make the drive up to the castle with a smile on
your face.. all of you. As far as taking everyone's feelings into
account,
that's outrageous! I believe the bride is the only person who matters
on
wedding day. She should have what she wants and I really wouldn't care
what
her new mother-in-law thinks about it. As long as the parents are
invited
and the conditions are bearable, the criteria for pleasing everyone has been
met in my book. You are undoubtedly a nice lady with a huge heart, but
on my
wedding day it was all about ME. Tell her how much money she can have,
kiss
her on the forehead, and tell her you think the castle idea sounds great!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I met a very nice man through a personal ad.
We have been on three
dates. Now he wants to have sex, and I am not ready. I don't
feel sexually
attracted to him, although I like his company. I feel like if I
continue to
date him, I will be using him, or he may not want to stick around. I
don't
feel chemistry because he is somewhat overweight, and dresses sloppily.
Should I just not see him anymore? I told him I was not ready.
Signed,
Not ready in Nashville
Dear Not ready,
Are you kidding me? Of course a guy is going
to want sex just as soon
as he thinks he has a chance! You can't do that just because he wants
you
to! What has he done to deserve to be intimate with you? Has he
taken you
out to three meals? Big deal! Heck, he doesn't even go to the
trouble to
dress up for you. NO WAY IN THE WORLD I WOULD LAY DOWN WITH A SLOB I
HAD BEEN OUT WITH 3 TIMES THAT HAD THE NERVE TO EVEN ASK! What does he
think you are? Better ask yourself that!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have this girlfriend and I LOVE her a lot!
I want to cuddle up and
get close like holding her waist walking her to classes and stuff like that,
but I don't know if she would want me to do that. She seems like a
girl that
would, but I fear rejection, you know. I want to know what to do. I don't
want to ask her. You know what I'm saying? What do I do?
Signed,
Fearful in Forest Hills
Dear Fearful,
I know you like her, but I'm not a fan of public
displays of affection.
I never wanted a guy to put his arm around me at school. Be careful in
this
area. Try to see if her friends are affectionate with the guys they
date.
You may be able to gauge her feelings on the subject that way. I would
try
this...after walking her to a class, reach for her hand and kiss the back of
it like the men in the old movies do. Be sure to lock eyes with
her as you
pull this stunt off. Don't make a scene of it, just be quick and cute.
I
bet she'd love that and turn red blushing. That's a more tasteful way
of
showing your affection, I think. If you do it, please let me know how
it
goes.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
What does 'Friendship' mean, and what are the
limitations? When do you
know to mind your own business, and when you are the best of friends?
Very
confused and haven't a clue!
Signed,
Clueless in Cornwall
Dear Clueless,
Your letter is a little vague, but I do want to
address the issue of
when to mind your own business. I have a friend that I have been close
to
for 20 years. If she gets a new job, the first thing I ask her is what
it
pays. If I have a friend I've known for a short time, I do not even
think to
ask that question. I have to have been friends for a really long time
to go
into areas of their life that I would not venture into with an acquaintance.
Does that help?
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I feel like my best friend is choosing her
boyfriend over me. She sees
him 24/7! We used to be inseparable, but now she acts like I don't
even
exist. People tell me I shouldn't feel bad because friends come and go.
I
can't let her go! She is such a good friend to me. I love her so much.
I
don't see how she could let him come between us. She promised she wouldn't
let that happen! Am I making too much out of all this. I feel so bad.
A day
doesn't go by without me crying. I am hurt, but I don't want to lose her as
a
friend. What do you think I should do about all this?
Signed,
Hurting in Hardeeville
Dear Hurting,
People are telling you wrong. It isn't
FRIENDS that come and go! It's
boyfriends that come and go! She's all happy now and can't get enough
of
him, but these relationships don't last forever unless they end up marrying.
Imagine the odds of that! When he's long gone you will still be
around, and
you can draw her attention to that fact when it happens. She will
regret how
she has made you feel, and she won't make the same mistake again. Your
friendship will be restored. Don't worry so much!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
How often is too often for a mother-in-law to
visit? My mother-in-law
is a wonderful lady, but she has an unfortunate home situation and needs to
get away. My husband and I have barely been married for a year & I
would
like us to be able to spend time together as a family (we have a baby).
My
husband wouldn't mind lots of company, which is a lot of housework &
meal
preparation for me. He has offered to help with both, but I'd still prefer
very few visitors. I said her visits should be limited to no more than
once
every two months. Is this fair?
Signed,
Wondering in Willow Run
Dear Wondering,
I hope to God you never have a daughter-in-law who
thinks it is
perfectly fine for you to come stay and see the baby once every two months.
Honestly, it sounds rather rude to me. This is your husband's home as
well
as yours, and this is his mother you are talking about. As long as she
helps
out with the meals and the dishes (and I bet she helps with the baby), then
she should be welcome once a month if not more often. She is not so
much
'company' or a 'visitor' as she is a family member. You say she's a
nice
lady. How can you treat her this way? Find more love in your
heart for her,
and less for yourself. You sound a little like me. We sometimes
go kicking
and screaming into the direction we know in our hearts is right. Do
the
right thing.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
For starters, thanks for taking the time to read
this. Okay, here goes.
I have a girlfriend who I still love, but she puts me through so much
torment!
I never do right by her. When her friends are around, she pushes me to
the
back burner. When I try to talk with her about our problems, she turns
away like
she doesn't even care. With school and work, I'm in college, we hardly
ever
get to be with one another. She gets mad when I let that bother me.
It's
like she doesn't even care. And just recently, I started a little
soul-searching of sorts, and realized I am unhappy due to all the stress.
I
mellowed out and made some friends, which come to find out, is an easy
task for me when I'm not pining over my personal problems. Anyway, one
of the friends that I made happens to be female. She doesn't know that
I have a girlfriend, but am planning on telling her next time I see her.
I am scared that I come across as
flirtatious, and that I am misleading the girl. But, that is how I
always
was to everybody...nice. Can't make friends by being
a jerk, and girls are more turned away by your typical male.
I am very honor bound, and chivalrous, which is
rare to find in
guys, plus I'm very easily hurt. I can't stand it to hurt someone that
is
close to me, because I detest the feeling of failure. I don't want to
lose
my girlfriend, but how much more crap can I take? The other girl
treats me
like I want to be treated. My girlfriend treats me like we're
only minor.
What do I do? Help.
Signed,
Unhappy in Urbanna
Dear Unhappy,
I can't be sure whether your girlfriend is really
being a creep, or if
you are just really sensitive and she's tired of it. That's a
disadvantage
of not knowing you, but we can reason this out anyway. Option number
one is
that she's a creep and you do need to look to the greener pastures.
Then
there's option number two. In option number two let's say you are just
really sensitive. If that's true, then 'Miss Stop Bothering Me With
Your
Petty Feelings' is not the girl for you. Maybe you need someone who is
more
like you! Sounds like this new girl is attracting you because the
situation
you are in is losing its attraction. It may very well be time to move
on
along...Just be really sure you are not making up all these girlfriend
problems up in your head due to the stress! You could be really giving
your
girlfriend a bad rap!
Back to Letters
Dear
Advicelady,
My boyfriend and I have been a couple for almost
ten months, but he
seems not to feel that same way I do anymore. I get mixed signals from
him all the time! The thing is, he is always going out at like
midnight and staying out
late. We don't live close, either! He claims that his best
friend, who is a girl,
is like his sister! Do I have a reason to be suspicious?
Signed,
Suspicious in St. Paul
Dear Suspicious,
What would he like for you to do? Maybe
tattoo 'dumb butt' on your
forehead? He is playing you for a fool! I hope every girl out
there who
reads this will believe me when I say that a man who leaves the house late
is
up to no good. And this female friend business...don't buy it! A
guy who
would play you like this would lie about her SO FAST! You should
always be
suspicious of the female friend story. Sometimes the girl is just a
friend,
and sometimes she's NOT! If you two live some distance from each
other,
remember the old saying about when the cat's away! I told my
girlfriend just
what I'm telling you, and she showed up unexpectedly and caught her creep
cheating! If you keep messing with this guy, you should look into
getting
that tattoo!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I need some help! I'm starting to
really like this guy in my school. I
had him for summer school, and he doesn't remember who I am. He is in
my PE
class now, and we make eye contact, but I chatted with him on the computer
several days ago and that's when I found out that he doesn't know who I am.
He asked me to come up to him and introduce myself, but I just can't do it!
Well, I guess it's because I have low self esteem and that I think the worst
about everything...Please get back with me. I know this might seem
stupid or
whatever, but it will really mean a lot to me. Thanks!
Signed,
Shy in Cheyenne
Dear Shy,
My husband is sitting here with me, and I asked him
what he thinks you
should do. I like his idea, so here it is! Get on the computer
and chat
with him again. When he asks why you haven't come up to him, you say
you've
forgotten. (Perfect) Then you tell him that tomorrow you will be
wearing a
Backstreet Boys T-shirt or whatever you could be wearing to PE class that
nobody else would be wearing. My husband says that if he's interested
he
will come up to you or engage you in more conversation on the computer.
Also, if he comes up to you acting like a jerk or something, you can act
like
you don't know what he's talking about. Make HIM look dumb. This
way, you
don't have to do anything brave, and you come out smelling like a rose
either
way. Isn't that a good idea? If he doesn't show an interest,
then no harm
is done.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
Ok here is the gossip...My long-distance boyfriend
was recently in a car
accident, and since then, things have been so different. It's like we
don't
really talk much, and when we do it's for a short time. We seem to be
growing
kind of distant. He told me, "It's not you and me. It's me," when
I
approached the subject. I know I love him, and he says he loves me more than
anything. But then, he also said something to me like "I have messed up
all
my other relationships before, and the girl never talked to me again.
If for
some reason I mess you and me up, please, don't hate me." Well,
that kinda
scared me...I am worried we are falling apart, and I want to save our
relationship. I don't know what to do! I don't want to lose him.
He claims
it is not the distance but the medications they have him on. I do
believe
him, but I am afraid the more distant we become, the more of a chance I have
of losing him. Please help.
Signed,
Afraid in Augusta
Dear Afraid,
You sound pretty smart to me. You are trying
to assess possible warning
signs that the relationship is in trouble because you already know the
distance is a strain. Yes, I am worried about what he said to you
about
messing up his relationships before. This does sound like a warning,
doesn't
it? My best advice is to play it cool. If you seem desperate and
pathetic
you won't get anywhere. This distance could be a plus for you because
he
could spend a little time wondering what you're doing when he is not around.
Act like you have a life and that every breath you take does not hang on the
status of your relationship. Again, be cool. Let him call you
and don't
always be there. Girls who learn to have an air of mystery about them
always
fare better with guys than the girls who seem desperate. This is just
your
queue to slip into "outsmart him" mode. If he thinks he's
dumping you
anytime soon, he's wrong! Good luck!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
Hi! I am a mom who is new to being a housewife. I
just can't get this
house cleaning stuff down. I seem to clean one room and go on to another and
then when I come back the room needs it again. I try to do a schedule of
cleaning everything on Fridays and doing laundry on Mondays and a few loads
in between, but it never seems to work out that way. I am usually
embarrassed if someone comes over because something is always messy. I think
if I could get organized and get everything clean I could keep it that way,
but I don't know where to get started. I was wondering if there are any web
sites that could give me any ideas?
Signed,
Messy in Midland
Dear Messy,
I have the same problem. I hired a
housekeeper! Sure there is still
plenty for me to do around the house, but I'm not so overloaded!
Keeping the
laundry caught up is a real mystery. I just try to do a load every
day.
Girl, when you get it figured out, write and tell me!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years and
all during our
relationship we have had different problems, but whenever I feel uneasy or
uncertain about something I can always go to him and talk to him about it.
A couple of days ago we were talking about going to
the fair together
and he said that he could not go because he did not have any money, but on
Friday and Saturday night he went to the fair anyway with some of his
cousins.
Do you think that he told me this because he's ashamed of being with me, or
do you think that he just wanted to hang out with the guys? Do you think
that he
really loves me and want to be with me?
Signed,
Wondering in Wichita
Dear Wondering,
AdviceLady has faced this problem, too. My
boyfriend would act like he
left his checkbook at home and expect me to pay for the date, but he had
money to go out with his friends! I told him we'd just quit dating if
that's
how it was going to be! If he has the money to run with his friends,
then he
can take me out! I showed him the door, and he decided he knew where
his
checkbook was after all! Girl, you won't believe what they try to get
away
with! You just have to nip it in the bud! It never happened again, and
I'm
married to him now!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
Well, It seems like you have an answer for
everything. Let's see what
you say about this! There's this girl I like who also likes me.
The problem
is that we can't be together because she has a longtime male friend who
doesn't like me, and her parents don't like me either. The other day
we
ditched school together to go to the park and she got in a lot of trouble.
Her parents have made her switch schools and they don't want her near me.
I'm crazy in love with her. What do I do?
Signed,
Crazy in Crutchfield
Dear Crazy,
You are one of those fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants
guys, aren't you?
You haven't sat down and thought this thing through or looked at the big
picture. You know, there are certain hoops you have to jump through to
get
some of the things you want in life. You have to look at the
requirements
for a given situation and try to fill them. Face it! Mommy and
Daddy want
their daughter (no matter who it is) to bring home a boy who looks and acts
like a responsible EARNER. This is someone who could possibly TAKE
CARE of their daughter. This guy shows up dressed sharp, smiling, and
shaking hands.
He has good grades written all over him, and he's talking about going
to
college. This guy is going places! If you look in the mirror and
you don't
see her parent's idea of a winner, you're OUT! Those are the hoops.
Jump
through, or jump out.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I am a 23-year-old who is generally new to love.
I have been with my
boyfriend for about a year and a half now. He is also my very best friend.
Recently, it has become a long-distance relationship. We now live
about an
hour from each other. Due to our work schedules, we are only able to
see
each other two days a week. I am always aching to see him, and want to
spend
as much time with him as I can. I know that he is always eager to see
me as
well, yet I feel that there always seems to be other things in his life that
take up some of that very precious time together. My question is, how
do I
know if I am just being selfish about our time, or if I just need more out
of
our relationship? Is it possible that I am just not cut out for the
long-distance thing? I don't know how to tell if I am just
overreacting.
Signed,
Long-distance lover in Lake Park
Dear Long-distance Lover,
I was 25 when I met my husband, and due to my work
and school schedule
we only saw each other two days a week. He was able to fit in
everything
else he wanted to do on the days I was at work.
If your boyfriend is busy on the only two days you
have to see each
other, I do not think you are overreacting. I do think two days a week
is
enough to see each other since I have done it myself. When my husband
and I
got serious and started planning to marry, we began to see each other more
often. If you are still in the dating phase of your relationship, I
think
you are completely within your rights to expect him to see you 8 days out of
a month! Hey, he's got 22 days to do whatever else he needs to do.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I need advice on love. I'm a nice guy,18,
that wants a nice girl to go
out with. I've asked out a lot of girls, and they all said, "Not
in this
lifetime." Is it possible that they think I don't have money to
take them
out because of what I wear. All I wear to school is blue jeans in a
T-shirt,
nothing name-brand? I don't flaunt money. They all should be
going for
me...I'm in the Army National Guard. Should I just go at this dating
thing
with a new approach? Basically, what should I do for a girl to like
me?
Signed,
Dateless in Drake
Dear Dateless,
This is the letter I've always waited for! I
will tell you head-to-toe
and beyond what we women are looking for! Hey! At least you have
the nerve
to ask these girls out. When we make a hunk out of you, they'll be
saying
YES!
Starting with your hair, you need to keep it clean
and keep a stylish
cut. Next, your skin. Wash morning and night with a good facial
soap and
use acne cream if you need it. I am going to assume I don't have to
tell you
to wash your ears, and some of the really basic things like that.
Surely you
know to bathe every morning and at night before a date. Also, shave
your
face every morning. You have to be a pretty sexy guy to get away with
whiskers. Also, please check the mirror a few times a day to be sure
you do
not have sleep in your eyes, and tilt your head back in the mirror and make
sure your nose is clean. I wish I were kidding, but guys do walk
around with
sleep in their eyes and stuff hanging in their noses. That is an
immediate
turnoff!
Some girls are really particular about teeth.
Make sure you brush at
least 2 times a day, and see the dentist about whitening if your teeth are
yellow. If you need more work than that, it will get expensive.
Do the best
you can.
Next, make sure you always wear a good deodorant.
Go get some nice
cologne, too. As far as clothes are concerned, you do need to be more
stylish. Wearing a T-shirt every day of your life is a little
monotonous.
If you do not have a lot of money to shop, you can get some neat things to
wear at the Goodwill store. I have known a few very handsome guys that
got
their clothes there. I was actually surprised, but they were gorgeous,
so I
guess it worked for them! Get a female friend to help you become a
more
snappy dresser, and please make sure your pants are the right length.
Walking around on the hem of your pants is so wrong! Be careful about
that.
Next, your shoes. I had a friend in school
who always looked at a guy's
shoes. This is easy for you guys. You only need a fraction of
the shoes we
girls need. Make sure your shoes are stylish and clean.
That's it! If you dress nice, look nice, and
act nice, you have a
chance. Hygiene is very important as well as being stylish.
Treat the
ladies like ladies, and DO NOT act full of yourself! You don't have to
have
a lot of money to be a cool guy.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year.
We are so close, and
we were together EVERY day for 11 months, but then he had to leave for
college in Boston. Now, he comes down every weekend, and we talk a
million times
a day, but lately he gets mad at me for everything! He so jealous all
the
time!
He's always hanging up on me, and treating me like s%#@,
and when he's mad and he won't talk to me for days. I love him a lot
and we have our whole future
planned. What do I do? Do I let him go, or try and work it out?
I don't
have the energy for this much longer. HELP!
Signed,
Worried in Worcester
Dear Worried,
Rarely are letters as easy to answer as yours.
Dump him! I would hate
to think I had plans to spend my future being treated this way. Does
that
sound a little harsh? Then, warn him that you will dump him if the
behavior
does not change FAST! So, either dump him, or warn him then dump him.
I'll
be surprised if the behavior changes and you stay together.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I'm still very much in love with my former wife.
We still communicate
with each other at least once a week. Yet, she is still looking for
"whatever," and "whomever," and I'm very patient.
Friends tell me to "get on
with my life" but I still feel deeply in my heart that this is the
woman I
want to spend the rest of my life with.
Should I stop any and all contact with her and, so
to speak, get on with
it?
Signed,
Dedicated in Dunlap
Dear Dedicated,
I do not have enough information here to help you,
but I can offer my
first instincts after reading your letter. Sounds like you meant those
words, "'till death do us part," and I totally respect that.
We should all
be so convicted when we make promises, or in this case, a covenant with God.
There may come a time when you see that the situation is hopeless, and you
know that carrying this torch is not healthy. Until that time, I do
not see
why you can't continue to hope and keep the lines of communication open.
Good luck!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have become best friends with
this amazing guy and now I'm
completely in love with him! We hold hands and cuddle, but he sends so
many
mixed signals! He also talks about other girls to me. My friends
say I
should tell him how I feel. What do you think?
Signed,
Confused in Cassville
Dear Confused,
It is strange to me that he is cuddling with you
yet talking about other
girls. My advice is not to tell him how you feel, but to ask him how
he
feels about you. Tell him you want to know where you fit into this
picture.
No need to spill your guts so fast! Make him spill his!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am in my thirties and I have been married for 12
years. This is the
problem... My husband and I have had a hard time communicating for years.
He
is very quiet and doesn't discuss our everyday problems very well. He
avoids
discussion at all costs. Our major problem has been his job. He
is a police
officer, and is very seldom home. He works holidays, weekends, and
nights.
This poses a very lonely life for myself and my children. I have been
very
unhappy for years, and the fact that he would not acknowledge it, is even
more frustrating. I have always felt that his job was more important
than
his family. I have told myself many times..."Girl, he is a good
man, and a
hard worker. You just have to live with the loneliness and the fact
that he
won't talk to you." About 5 years ago I asked him for a divorce,
his reply
was the usual stoic attitude. I asked him to attend counseling with
me, he
said...."If there is a problem in our marriage, it is your
problem."
AdviceLady, I have just given up. I feel like
I have fallen out of love
with him. No, I know I have.
I have found someone else that I confide in on a
regular basis, a male,
who gives me advice on my relationship, whom my husband thinks I have been
unfaithful with. I haven't. But I do have deep feelings for this
confidant,
and will not lose him. I feel like he is my soul mate.
My husband has now decided that he "loves me
oh so much." And for me it
is just too late. I hate hurting him like this, but I want out, and don't
know what to do. Do you have any advice for me? I would really
appreciate it.
Signed,
Out-of-love in Oakland
Dear Out-of-love,
I read your letter several days ago, and I have
been thinking about what
to say ever since. Finally, tonight, it came to me. This is very
serious
because you have been married for many years and you have children.
Listen
to me carefully.
Part of the pressure here is pressure you are
putting on yourself. You
are thinking in terms of finality. Considering the decisions you are
trying
to make as FINAL is really stressful! Follow me here...You have been
neglected, and your love has died. How do you raise the dead? We
all know
you can't. Boy, that's final. If you leave, it's FINAL.
This new confidant
is in your life forever now. That's FINAL. The pressure is just
mounting
here.
Here's a new way to look at things. Some
things don't die forever, they
just die for a season. Plant some bulbs in your yard and you will see.
Those same beautiful flowers that die will return again in another season.
IF you leave your husband, I do not think you should consider it FINAL.
I
know a couple who divorced and remarried two years later and they are happy.
Let's say you move out and he quits his job for one that requires a lot
fewer
hours. Let's say you two begin to date again. Maybe he wakes
up...and you
fall in love again. You never know!
As far as Romeo, the confidant, is concerned...be
careful that you are
not just vulnerable right now. These knights in shining armor aren't
always
quite as shiny when they're all yours 24/7. No offense to the
guy...just
talking in general terms here. Think about it!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am so worried about my friend of 16 yrs.
She has been soooo depressed
lately, and I just don't know how to pull her out of this one. She just
recently had to put her mother in a nursing home, which has been hard on her
since she lives in another state. Her brother was put in charge of
everything concerning THEIR mother. In other words: he got the coal
mine,
she got the shaft. On top of that, her teenage daughter up and moved
out and
has not gone out of her way to contact her Mom. She's really tore up about
that. They treat her like she is the worst person upon this earth, and
she's
truly a kindhearted, beautiful woman that has sacrificed everything for her
daughter (she raised her all on her own). The only good thing that has
happened to her is that she met a very nice gentleman that treats her the
way
she deserves to be treated. The only problem I have with that is he's
still not
divorced! My friend just up and moved from another state to live in a
BARN
with this not-yet-divorced man. I just don't want to see her get hurt
because she truly cares about this guy. Any advice?
Signed,
Worried in Williamsburg
Dear Worried,
It just so happens that this sounds just like
someone I know. Getting
treated like a dog by family is a familiar story. Falling in love with
a man
who is not yet divorced is a familiar story, too. Moving into a barn
with
that man is the twist that makes your letter interesting! I will
address all
three of these issues here.
My advice to someone who has done nothing to
deserve cruel treatment by
their own family is shocking. This will not meet with the approval of
many
readers, but this is AdviceLady's site, so you are logging on to see what I
think. I would simply not associate with these people. Why put
yourself in
the position? When they decide they don't like the fact that you're
never
around, maybe they will ask why. At this point, you give them an
earful
about why! You say, 'but they're family!' And I say, 'so what!'
Allowing
yourself to be a victim of that kind of abuse is even more harmful than
being
mistreated by a stranger. When the person in question is a child, I
make an
allowance for that. Kids have a lot of emotions that they act on, and
I do
not believe in disassociating with them. I think they should put their
money
where their mouth is when they get old enough to act tough, though. If
they
think they can make it on their own, let them go. Don't help them out,
either. They're tough! Right?
Now, falling in love with a man who is not yet
divorced. If you're not
divorced, you're still married. Period. One question I do ask is
whether he
has FILED for divorce. I have seen situations where folks fell out of
love
years ago, so they haven't been in a real marriage for a long time.
But,
when it comes time to finally cut the strings and get divorced, it takes
forever! I have seen delay after delay in some cases. Some
people do not
want to put their life on hold for years waiting on court date after court
date, and they move on before the paperwork is finished. That is not
an
excuse...it's just the truth about how real life works. You can only
be
miserable for so long before you decide to do something about it.
Now, the barn! This is interesting. You
say this man your friend is
involved with is a gentleman who treats your friend like she wants to be
treated. He doesn't sound like a bum! Could it be that his
living
arrangements are out-of-wack because of his divorce situation? When a
man
leaves his home under such grim circumstances, he is not nearly as picky as
we are about where he's going. I'm sure the barn has living quarters
and
they are not sleeping in stalls with cows! He will get everything
sorted out
with his financial situation, and your friend will no doubt have a lovely
home. He obviously adores her.
Now, Worried, you stop worrying! Your friend
is tough if she's raised a
daughter by herself. All she needs to do right now is be strong, and
she has
a new fellow who will no doubt help her all he can. She just needs to
buck
up and decide she's not going to take it anymore! It's time to look
out for
the big number one and be happy!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I need an answer fast...my girlfriend and I just
recently broke up and I
have been talking to her Mom and I accidentally said a personal secret to
her
Mom and her best friend overheard and told my girlfriend and now she hates
me
and says there is no chance for us to be together any more.
HELP!
Signed,
Helpless in Huntsville
Dear Helpless,
Well, I am out of breath now from reading that long
sentence! I have to
say that if you let a personal secret slip to my Mom I would be very mad.
That's what's going on. She is very angry right now and saying things
she
may not mean. I know I say a lot of things I don't mean when I am
furious.
Give it some time. Don't be in such a big hurry. You will have a
feel for
what she is really thinking in a few weeks when she has had time to simmer
down. You will be O.K.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I have a love dilemma. I talk to this really hot guy from school. I
like
him, and I think he likes me. He told me he loved me and got off the phone
right before I could tell him I loved him. BUT , he has a girlfriend. I told
him I thought
he was cute, and he said that he couldn't say anything about me because he
has a girlfriend. I don't know what to do!!! Help me!!!
Signed,
Confuzed in Camden
Dear Confuzed,
What are you talking about? Love? You
two have talked on the phone and
you think he is cute. Hello! He has a girlfriend and he is on
the phone
telling you he loves you? What a player! Unless there is a lot
more to the
story that you're not telling me, I would say this is not confusing at all.
You just need to wake up and get real sometime soon.
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
All right, here it goes. So I am 37 years
old, was married for over 15 years, have 2 beautiful teenage daughters who
live with their dad, and became an online junkie who fell in cyberlove with
a man from a foreign country.
Plain and simple, without being cyber repetitive, what
are my odds?
Yes, and the sky is blue.
Signed,
Realistic in Rockland
Dear Realistic,
You will be surprised and pleased with my answer
for you. I was just referring to myself as "ConservoGirl"
this past weekend, but my answer for you is anything but conservative.
I think your biggest problem here is economics. That's it! If
you can afford to fly over and visit, and he can, too, then you two could
actually make a go of it. I wouldn't try meeting a man on the internet
in a million years, but it is working out for a lot of folks. I still
turn my nose up to it like it is a smelly sock, but internet dating is
really popular right now.
Oh! One more thing! Do not let him stay
at your place when he visits, and do not stay at his. You must
remember that these people are strangers until you REALLY get to know them.
Check him out good! You know, several serial killers have been
charming and well-liked. Remember those interviews on TV with the
neighbors who always talk about what a quiet, nice guy the
killer next door was! Be careful!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I am a woman in my thirties who's had a couple of
major relationships.
I can't seem to get it right. I try to be real. I've spent years
in therapy
just working on myself, so I know how to tell on myself. I am involved
with a 23-
year-old, who at first seemed to be the one for me. I realized that
our age
difference would interfere to a certain extent, but I believe the maturity
difference between us is almost unsurpassable. Val, is very kind, and
loving
when it suits her, but today she laughed in my face and told me what she
thought of me.
I admit I can be difficult at times, but listen to
how she acts. If I
swear during expressing myself, she gets upset and accuses me of swearing at
her! Help me out here, am I missing something? She got mad
because I hid
the keys to OUR car, because she was out of control at the moment. She
kicked in the bathroom door, and told me to give her the blankety blank
keys. It frightened me a little because she's much bigger and stronger
than me. I love her, but I
told her it was over between us. I don't think she believes me!
AdviceLady, is there
such a thing as love without pain?
Signed,
Frightened in Florence
Dear Frightened,
You will have to forgive me for sounding sexist
here, but I would never
let a man bully me around for a second...so you can just imagine that a
woman
would have a snowball's chance in you-know-where at pushing me around.
I acknowledge my husband as the head of the
household around here.
There is a certain amount of authority that comes with that title, and
because I believe this is biblical, I subscribe to this belief. (You
believe
what you want to believe. My issue here is not with your beliefs, I'm just
explaining mine.) So, he is the boss in a lot of ways, but one second
into
bullying me around he could watch my backside on the way out the door.
Yes,
I have packed up and left for a week once just because he screamed at me two
days in a row. The first day I was cool, the next day I was gone.
Bullying
is a pattern...you either nip it, or it continues. I'm old-fashioned
and I
do not apologize for that. A woman bullying me around? Never!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
My husband,
family, and I are in an uproar over my sweet little dog.
Well, she's sweet to me any way. You see, she just doesn't like kids. To
make a
long story short, after being "loved on" for an hour by my little
niece, and
after much warning... she nipped at my niece. Drew a little blood but
nothing serious. After the incident, I now try and keep a really close eye
on the child - who is 2 1/2 years old - while they are over here.
Now for the problem. My husband and family
think that I should confine
the dog while they are here. My answer is "hogwash!". This is my
dog's home and they are guest. Now, if my little one didn't mind being
locked in a room I
would have no problems with it. However, she screams and carries on because
it hurts her feelings to be isolated from me. She is very much a
"Momma's
girl." My dog has every emotion that my other human children have and
separation anxiety and insecurity are just two of them.
So, we're asking a professional's opinion. Maybe
this will convince them
once and for all that animal emotions are as real as human emotions and just
as important!
Thank you,
Avid animal lover...in Akron
Dear Avid,
I would usually say put the dog up, but since you
are SO avid...I agree
with you. I can see that putting the dog up when company comes is
going to
be very upsetting to YOU! It is your house and YOU should not be so
upset.
If the company feels threatened by the dog, then maybe they should
reconsider
coming over. They will have to understand that you cannot handle
putting
your dog up. Am I worried about the dog's feelings compared to the
safety of
your company? No! I am worried about YOU!
(Sorry, I'm a dog-lover and I do care about their feelings, but the girl who
pays the mortgage gets her way here.)
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I am in a huge dilemma. When I started High School,
I experienced my first crush. A few days into the school year, he came over
and talked to me and we hit it off right away. Unfortunately, he had a
girlfriend at the time so, I never told him how I felt about him and we
ended
up becoming best friends.... Now many years have passed and I still have the
same feelings for him. I recently told him how I felt because it tormented
me so
much that I thought I would relieve myself by letting my "secret"
out. When I
told him, he said that he thought I was very pretty, smart, and everything a
guy would want, but he also added that he thought we were too close to be
more than friends. Now all I can do is think about how stupid I was not to
tell him in the first place just because I was too shy.
I try to get over him, but I can't. It is like I am
stuck and I will
never get out. I cannot even bring myself to be interested in any other guy
that shows interest in me because all I want is to be with him. Is there
anything I can do to make him see how I feel and gain his affection? I have
never felt like this about
someone, and I cannot overcome my desire to be with him. PLEASE
help me. I am in desperate need of advice!
Signed,
Desperate in Decatur
Dear Desperate,
I am issuing a huge and difficult task for you to
undertake. I hope you
will trust me and accept the challenge. Please print this reply out on
paper
and take it over to the mirror. What I am writing to you below, I want
you
to tell yourself over and over in the mirror until you believe it!
Now,
believing it will be the challenge. You will want to think that I am
wrong
and that there is something wrong with you. You will want to think
that this
boy is the only person in the world who can make you happy. You will
not
want to believe what you are saying. Say it anyway and try hard to
believe
it because IT IS TRUE and you are too emotional right now to see the forest
for the trees. You CAN do it! Repeat this:
I refuse to be 'Dear Desperate'
anymore. I am NOT desperate! I am a
beautiful girl fully capable of finding a boyfriend that I like who likes me
back! So what if ONE boy doesn't want to be my boyfriend! Plenty
of other
ones will! It will take me some time to start liking other boys, but
that's
OK. Maybe he can't help that his feelings aren't the same for me as my
feelings are for him. He can't make himself feel something he doesn't.
There will be boys who like me, and no matter how hard I try I won't be able
to like them back as much. It's just one of those things that happens
to us
when we are dating.
I have to make a decision to be
tough! I have to decide that these
things ARE going to happen and I can't just lay down and die when they do.
I
am going to be strong enough to do this thing. I am going to be strong
enough to get out of the house and start meeting other people. I am
going to
be strong enough to get him off my mind. I WILL have a healthy
relationship
with someone else, and I WILL be happy! It's all up to ME! I CAN
DO IT!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
My parents divorced when I was 20. Now, three
years later both of my
parents are engaged. I am just getting to know the "significant
other" in both of
my parents' lives, not to mention their children and grandchildren. My
problem is about gift giving. I feel that it is unnecessary to be
giving
gifts to this "extended family" just because they are involved in
my Mom or
Dad's life now. Yet, last year around the holidays, and for my
birthday, I
was getting presents from these people.
I have expressed to both of my parents that I am
only giving one gift to
my parent and their fiance' (like one gift that they can both use), and not
the rest of their family at Christmas time. Yet, this year I am
getting the
"guilt trip" for not getting gifts for their fiancé' and their
children and
grandchildren's birthdays, etc. Although my parents' partners and
their
families are very nice people, I feel this whole gift giving thing is
ridiculous! I am a responsible adult with my own life and I don't feel
like
I need to waste money on this. Am I out of line thinking like this?!
Signed,
No Gifts in New Hope
Dear No Gifts,
I know how you feel. You have these strangers
introduced into your life
and it's hard to feel like they are family right away. It was years
before I
gave gifts to some of my new family members just because I felt like I
didn't
really know them. It was awkward for me to give a gift to a virtual
stranger. Time will pass and you will get to know these folks and you
will
want to give them gifts. Meanwhile, you could give the gifts as a
formality,
or you could just explain to your parents that you will buy presents in the
future when you get to know everyone a little better. In the interim,
you
could save yourself A LOT of grief by getting the addresses of these folks
and mailing Christmas and birthday cards. It's only a card, and it
shows
that you acknowledge the special event for that family member. These
ARE
going to be your new family members...it just takes a while to feel like it.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I
was raised by my mother and her side of the family. I've asked her
twice who my father is and once she told me it was none of my business, and
once she told me she didn't remember his last name. Apparently she
never even told him she was pregnant. I've tried everything to find
out who he is. I feel I've been robbed of my identity. What can
I do?
Signed,
Perplexed in Pueblo
Dear Perplexed,
There is one of a couple of things going on here. Maybe your mom is
trying to protect you from this man, or maybe she doesn't want him to know
she has had his baby. Maybe she doesn't know who your father is and
she's embarrassed of that. Whatever the case is, if she will not
cooperate and you cannot find out any other way - you will have to accept
that you will never know who your father is and just move on with your life.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I met
this girl in college recently. To make a long story short I ended up
spending the night in her dorm room. Nothing intimate
happened. We just held each other all night, and I loved it!
Now, the problem. Ever since that night, she has been acting
reluctant to see me. She is not as friendly as she was before.
I don't know what to do or say because I think about her all the
time. This is so frustrating. What do you think?
Signed,
Frustrated in Fayetteville
Dear Frustrated,
What a
gentleman! At least you don't have to be embarrassed because you
tried a bunch of cheesy moves on her! Maybe she is embarrassed
because she doesn't know how you feel and she is shy. You two need
to talk about what happened if she continues to avoid you. Call her
up on the phone since she is having trouble with seeing you in
person. Tell her you had a nice time and you're up for whatever
makes her feel comfortable. Tell her you two can be good friends OR
go out if she'd like. Either way, she's a nice girl and you are glad
you met her. Let her know you will go along with whatever she
says. That will make her feel comfortable and you can get to know
each other better. If she says she'd just like to be
friends...act excited about that even if you are let down. She may
come around in time. Be patient.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am in love
with a boy who does all kinds of bad stuff. I know I shouldn't be
around him, but I don't want to be without him. What should I do?
Signed,
Know-better in Nashville
Dear Know-better,
Time to get
tough girly-girl! How long can you go on acting like a weenie and
respect yourself? You are doing something you know is bad for you,
but you can't stop yourself? I don't believe you. You don't
WANT to get out of the situation. Saying you CAN'T is a
cop-out. You are in a situation where you are choosing to be
weak. Don't think you won't end up getting in trouble spending time
with this trouble-maker...it's just a matter of time! You are going
to either be the kind of girl who makes the right choices, or the kind of
girl who makes the wrong ones. There are SMART girls in this world,
and there are dumb ones in this world. Which one do you want to
be? Thought so!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
I recently met a guy in a sex club. He was very handsome and we made
out and we also had sex. I found something about him trustworthy and
he asked me a few questions that made me think he might be interested in
me. One of the things he asked was whether he could e-mail me.
I gladly gave him my e-mail address, but days have passed and I haven't
heard from him. I have a sinking feeling that I won't! I have
had several guys say they would call or e-mail, but they never do.
Do men just say these things just to say them? Do you think he ever
had any intentions of e-mailing me?
Signed,
Impatient in Indianapolis
Dear Impatient,
The bad news
is that you are probably the only person reading this who doesn't already
know the answer to this question. You go to the video store for a
video, you go to the gas station for gas, and you go to the grocery store
for groceries. Now, where did he meet you? He got what he
wanted and he's done! He didn't even have to pay! I'm sorry to
be the one to tell you, but they say anything to get them out of the
awkwardness of the situation when they're finished. You won't hear
from him. You haven't figured out that men only want what they can't
have.
If I were
you, I would do two things. First, I would get in church and find
out why you are worth more than being used and tossed aside. Second,
I would go buy a book called "The Rules" and follow them
faithfully. If you will clean up your act, you will find
happiness. Until then, it will be one empty promise after
another. You can rule your destiny if you have the will-power to do
what it takes. Good luck.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My fiance' and I are trying to keep things small at our upcoming
wedding. We don't have much cash, and we're not really what you
might call 'high maintenance' anyway. Is it OK to have just cake and
punch at the reception, or is a little more expected of us?
Signed,
Ready-to-wed in Rio Vista
Dear Ready-to-wed,
It's your
day and you can do whatever you want at your wedding. Anyone you
invite is privileged to be a guest, and you don't owe them anything.
Yes, the guests may have given you gifts for the wedding, but that does
not mean that you owe them roast duck in return.
I had a
small wedding myself, and I admit I had the reception at a fancy place
with some fancy menu items on fancy silver trays and the whole nine
yards. But, as fancy as this place was, they did not offer those
fancy, buttery, mint pillows or fancy mixed nuts. I just had to have
those two things, and I asked if I could provide them myself. The
caterer agreed, and I had them after all. I suggest you get some
mints and mixed nuts and just put them in clear glass dishes that you can
buy really cheap at a lot of places. This will add a nice touch and
won't cost you much. Congratulations on your upcoming
wedding!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
How do I tell a guy I like him in the best way?
Signed,
Curious in Crossville
Dear Curious,
If you've
read my other letters, you know I'm all for the guy telling you he loves
you FIRST. That's just my opinion. Go ahead and tell him you
really like him a lot if you want to, but just don't say those three
little words! Also, actions speak louder than words anyway, so do
some really nice things for him that will let him know you like him.
Bake him some cookies or buy him a thoughtful little gift you know he will
like. Good luck!
Back to Letters
Dear
AdviceLady,
Well, here goes nothing. I've known this girl for 3 years, and this last year, I've fallen completely in love with her.
She's in a 3 year relationship, but she doesn't seem happy. I don't know if she'd ever cross the line, but I think that's the last thing from her mind.
I love her. Very simply, very truly. She's the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person.
I predict they break up soon, but you can never tell. I don't come off strong, in fact, she hasn't the
slightest clue that I love her. She tells me she loves me, but I know she means as a friend, and it kills me every time she's with her boyfriend.
I've tried to make compromises with God, and I hope he pulls through.
What should I do?
Should I be patient until they break up, then make my move? Do you think me confessing to her could throw her whole world into
upheaval? I think if I tell her, there'd be an awkwardness between the two of us, but if she has feelings for me, it might work out good.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me like that, but I'd thank my lucky stars if she did.
Having her is the most I've ever wanted out of life, and I'd sacrifice anything to get her.
She's my best friend, and she's forever changed me, and my life. Is there some light to shed on this?
I do a lot of stuff with her also, like movies, etc. Any suggestions on what to do?
I'm willing to try anything, and do anything to get her. She makes my whole life worthwhile.
I think if I just come out and say it, it'll be weird, should I hint at the fact I love her?
I'm confused. Please reply ASAP.
Signed,
Debating in Decatur
Dear Debating,
I am going
to give you some advice that I know you are not going to take! I can
tell you are already too far gone to listen. This girl has really
got your wheels spinning and she doesn't even know it!
First of
all, your gut is telling you that she only likes you as a friend. Usually
your gut is right. If you spill your guts to her and you're right
about how she feels, it WILL make things awkward between you two.
Maybe you should jokingly tell her that she should dump her boyfriend and
get together with you the next time they are having problems. No, I
don't think you should go around trying to break up relationships, I just
think you could feel her out on the subject since you think she is unhappy
with her boyfriend and about to break up anyway.
Here's the
ugly truth about being in love with people who are in love with someone
else: Fantasy is better than reality. I knew a fellow who was
totally in love with a girl for years and years while she dated someone
else. Her relationship finally ended and he got to date her.
He also married her. Did it work out happily ever after?
No. Why? Because he was in love with a fantasy. They
were totally wrong for each other. You better start thinking with
your head on this one. Is it more a case of wanting what you can't
have? I'm just asking.
...And about
those deals with God, I can't count the unanswered prayers I thank God for
everyday! Go ask someone twice your age and you'll see! The
best thing that ever happened to me was that relationship I wanted to work
out so badly and it didn't! Good luck!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have the
biggest crush on this guy but he doesn't know and I can't tell him because
I know he doesn't like me!
Signed,
Crazy in Cleveland
Dear Crazy,
If you know
he doesn't like you, move on and put your time and energy into liking a
guy who DOES like you! Why bother?!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have a
roommate who is thinking of moving. I really don't want her to leave
because I might end up with a witch. What do I do?
Signed,
Scared in Salem
Dear Scared,
You really
haven't given me enough information. If your roommate doesn't have
to leave and she just wants to, maybe you can sit her down and talk her
out of it. That's all you can do. Try to talk her out of it.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
The last two places I've worked, I always end up 'alone.'
When it's time to pair up or huddle together, whether for an assignment, break time, lunch, etc., I'm the only one
without a partner or group. Some of the others were friends before they started working here, but not all of them.
I'm kind of shy and I don't always have a lot to say, but I don't think I'm unapproachable.
I try to initiate conversations, but after the other person's response, that's
as far as it goes.
I've loved these two jobs. The work was steady and not
boring, but the socializing (or lack of) really sucks for me. How do I come out of the shell I don't think I'm in?
As I'm the common denominator, what am I doing wrong?
Signed,
Friendless in Fairfield
Dear Friendless,
Well, it
sounds like you've got it figured out. If this happens everywhere
you go, then it must be something you're doing. Maybe you just
aren't a conversationalist. This is a tough one because I can talk
at length with anyone in this world! Try this...try having
conversations with other people where the entire conversation is about
them. People like to talk about themselves. Ask a co-worker
how their job is going. Busy? What about their daughter that
went away to college? How is she doing? That will get them
started talking and you just think of the next question for them, or
expound on what they've said. Tell about your college, for
example. It's not so hard. Just get interested in people!
Back to Letters
