Advice column for all ages....

Question: Don't have too much time, so will put everything in a nutshell. My daughter, now 25, has been engaged to a young man, 24, for about 6 months. They are planning a wedding for next May. I (the bride's Mom) am paying for most of it. My daughter is a college grad, and although her fiance is now in college I doubt he will graduate. I see him as a very controlling personality, which appears to me to stem from a sort of inferiority complex. Anyway, my daughter's fiance seems to have chosen me as a target. When they chose a new church and a reception site not in our hometown so that it would be more convenient for his side (his parents live on the other side of our large metropolitan city), I voiced some disgruntlement, and that started it. I had naturally assumed that the wedding I would be paying for would be at our family's church (the groom has no formal religious affiliation), and reception at one of the several really nice facilities within a few miles of our church. Without, I hope, sounding snooty, my daughter is a lovely, kind, well educated and well-brought up young woman. Her fiance doesn't speak with good grammar, and I have heard him "browbeating" her in "discussions" where their opinions differ. I sense that he is a rather controlling personality, which is so troubling to me that I voiced that concern to my daughter, who then voiced my concern to her fiance, who basically declared war on me. Additionally, it should be stated that my 31 yr. old son (single), independently of me, has also talked with his sister about his concern of her choice of mate. The problem is that I think my daughter's married life is going to be a mess if she actually marries this young man. And now that I know my son thinks pretty much the same about the fiance, my feeling is confirmed, as the two of us know and love her more than anyone else in the world. I just think this guy is a classic potential abuser, verbally, if never physically, and I so want my sweet daughter to see the light and move in the opposite direction. But she believes she loves him, and he is often very sweet and affectionate with her, and I believe she may feel there will be no one else, which of course is absolutely not the case. She is a delightful person, pretty, and deserves someone who is truly kind to her, also by showing respect for her Mom. Please help. Both she and I are just so unhappy that I cannot seem to fake being happy for her under these circumstances.

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Question: I live far away from my sister, but I do see her about every two years. Her son was born with a serious heart condition and had open heart surgery when he was 8 to repair the defects. Now that he is a teen, there are serious problems related to nutrition and immunity. He has been out of school for a month solid with various illnesses. He is 5'5",weighs 97 pounds, and believe me when I tell you he is a mass of bones. His breakfast consists of a Pop-Tart... that's it. The rest of the day is burgers and fries. This, for a child who had a serious heart defect. I guess he's feeding a heart attack, but his mother does nothing to intervene. It's always someone else's problem and never her own. In the meantime, I'm concerned that he is so unhealthy. What do I do?

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Question: I found your website because I was thinking of doing the same thing, but you beat me to it! Cute little website you have here. So while I'm here, I figure I'll ask you for some advice.   I have a 22-year-old daughter who's been engaged over a year. She tells me that she doesn't want me to help her make her wedding arrangements. She is a procrastinator with expensive taste, is easily offended, volatile, and quick-tempered. We've had a very difficult relationship over the years and she's easily angered. (No, she's NOT mature enough to get married.) I've been divorced from her father for 15 years. He and I don't like each other much. The problem is, she wants an unconventional wedding, and her fiance's mother is upset about it. I fear that my daughter is too immature to see that she needs to take all three groups of parents wishes into consideration, if possible. Her fiance's mother called me the other night and was very upset because her son told her that they're thinking of getting married with just the immediate family in a castle two hours away. His mother wants a conventional wedding. My ex-husband is pretty unconventional, and would rather the kids have a small wedding and he said that then he would give them money. None of us are rolling in money. My daughter's fiance asked his parents if they would have a party for them after the wedding, at their house, for 160 people, telling his mother that somehow it would be catered (the kids have NO money, both are very strapped and neither of them are saving money for the wedding or for their future), and she wouldn't have to do anything. Of course she knew better, and she also knows that it's more expensive to have a catered affair at home because everything has to be rented. She said no and now her son isn't speaking to her. She called me, and I told her that my daughter had already asked me if they could have the wedding at my house, telling me it would be less expensive to do so, and I'd said no also. (Because I knew it would be more expensive than to have it somewhere.) Yes, I know these kids are too immature to get married. However, it seems like it's going to happen and my daughter's fiance is a very nice person. My question is this - should I: 1) Keep my mouth shut and not do anything unless my daughter asks me to help? 2) Try and get everyone together to discuss it? 3) Give my daughter motherly advice to be considerate and gracious about her future mother-in-law's wishes. 4) Offer to make the wedding arrangements, telling her that I will take everyone's wishes into consideration. (I am afraid of getting overly involved because we don't get along and the peace won't last long. But I think that my daughter needs help and I feel bad because I'm her mother.)  5) Tell her that I am willing to give her X amount of money towards the wedding...period.

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Question:  My husband and I have been married for less than a year and in a relationship for almost 3 years. The problem is his ex-girlfriend (this is a first marriage for both of us) is dragging us through the mud regarding their son. If she's not taking us to court for more money, she's calling with some kind of gripe. This has all surfaced since we got married. Sometimes I feel that there are still some feelings there on both of their parts. They were broken up for a year when we met and, as I mentioned, we have been together for almost 3 years and I can't seem to shake this feeling. Here's why: My husband is almost obsessed with this child. He cries almost every time the kid goes home after a visit. Everything he has to say about this woman is derogatory. She isn't the nicest person but he is ridiculous about it.  My husband's parents died when he was very young and this still hurts him very much. I tell myself the separation from his son has something to do with his early separation from his parents and is difficult for him. But I can't help feeling that he wishes he was still with her and his son when he behaves like this. She is, in fact, the one who ended the relationship. Am I just being insecure? When I ask him about it, he claims that I am. Our relationship in every other aspect is close to perfect. We are as close as two people can get. We talk about everything and he seems to love me very deeply. I want my marriage to work, AdviceLady, but I am growing tired of feeling like he would have rather stayed with her and his son. Nobody wants to feel like they are second fiddle.

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Question:  Hi! I'm 14 years old, and me and my girlfriend are coming up to our 1 year anniversary, and I don't know what to do. I'm too young to make it a date at night, so I wanna make it an all day anniversary. Please give me some ideas on what to do. I need big help. I wanna treat her good. I love her a lot and I don't wanna make it a dull day. Please, please give help.  Ideas, tips, even specific places to go. Anything to help will do. Please!  I'm desperate!

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Question:  Just recently my daughter's father called to explain why he left when I was two months pregnant. Now he wants to come back into both our lives. What should I do? I still really care for him.

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Question: What do you do when your son is being bullied by another boy in class  that also rides his bus? I've talked to the principle but got nowhere. I basically got out of it that my son should hit him back, but then my son would get punished. My son is afraid of this boy and told my husband and me that he is afraid because he doesn't know when he'll be hit again or why. This boy does this for no reason, and they both are in first grade. Please help. 

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Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months, and living  together for about four months. He was always going out with his friends, but now it's like ever since he found out I was pregnant, he's been very distant ... more moody and stuff. I'm worried because it's like nothing I say is taken into consideration. Whenever I discuss these things, he just says I'm over emotional because of the pregnancy. I'll take any advice to get through to him. Please help.

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Question: Robert and I have been seeing each other for 2-1/2 years. He has three daughters all leaving for college in the summer, and I have a son who worships the ground Robert walks on. Robert and I love each other very much, and we know we could have a beautiful life together but, he is so afraid of commitment, and I can't imagine a life with anyone else. He knows how I feel, and we both know we would be very good to each other because we are now. But, his first wife burned him so much on relationships that he's afraid if we make a commitment that someday I would leave him. How do I convince him that I know that will never happen, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want to be with him always? I'm 42 and he's 51, and I know that our remaining years would be very happy together.

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