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OUT OF THE ARCHIVES
How do you know when you're in love? I'm only 16 and my friends tell me I'm too young to be in love. I really think I am in love. Help! Signed, Too Young in Tulsa
Dear Too Young, Your friends must be older than you. They have probably been on both sides of the fence and they can see things you can't. Look at it this way...If my little niece tells me she has a boyfriend, I know there's no chance he's the love of her life because she's in third grade. I know she's too young, but she doesn't. Same with you. I know you think you love this guy, but I would bet the farm you two don't grow old together. That's not because I don't believe you. I'm sure you're sincere about the way you feel. You just don't know what changes lie ahead of you...and him. Don't worry about love right now. Worry about love when you're old enough to get married. Then you can worry about staying in love for the rest of your life. It seems easy now, but believe me, it takes some work.
Is it me or do all women feel like they have been betrayed and lied to when they fall for a guy who convinces you that they are sensitive and considerate? They say all the right things and do all the right things to make you marry them, then after a year they don't do any of it any more. My husband is so unaffectionate and ambivalent about my feelings. I am crushed that he is not as advertised! I feel betrayed and conned! What I want to know is whether this is temporary or not. I think he is feeling bad about himself because he has been looking for a job and has not had any luck. We have good days and bad days and often one of us sleeps on the couch. I am miserable! I really do love this man, but I don't like him. Is there any hope? Signed, Betrayed in Buffalo Dear Betrayed, Join the club, sister! Your membership card is in the mail! In all seriousness, I read your letter and had visions of myself on a mountain top with your letter in hand screaming Halleluiah into the valley below. You have voiced the way we all feel after the first year. Well, maybe not everyone! You can be sure you are not alone. I do think his not having a job could be a big part of the problem. There may be some self-esteem issues here. I'm glad to hear he wants to work. I know women who have men who won't work, and that's a bigger problem. All I can tell you is that my first year was the worst. We stuck it out and things are great. You got married for better or for worse...try to wait this thing out and talk it out if taking turns sleeping on the couch is the worst thing happening between you two.
My husband leaves his clothes lying all over the house. I'm tired of constantly picking up after him. I've told him a million times, but he won't pick up after himself. Help! Signed, Pooped in Paris
Dear Pooped, Tell him that from now on you are only going to wash the laundry that is in the laundry basket. When he runs out of clothes to wear, he'll learn! Either leave his clothes where he drops them, or pile them in the bathroom floor if you just can't stand it. Make him be the one who puts the laundry in the basket if he expects it to be washed. When he needs a clean shirt and he doesn't have one, he can only blame himself!
I dated a girl for several years, but toward the end of the relationship we started fighting a lot, and I moved out. We saw each other a little after I moved out, but now I have moved to another state. I would like to keep in touch but she won't take my calls. I have to tell you that I did have a problem with alcohol, but I have been sober for a while now. Without the alcohol to make me feel numb, I am really hurting. Of course, I have many regrets and know that I blew it. I feel like I can't let her go, and I know there will never be anyone else for me. I just really don't know what to do. Can you help? Signed, Regretful in Raleigh
Dear Regretful, So many people go through life hurting for the same reasons you are hurting right now. They are in love with the "could-have-been" and the "should-have-been" relationships they have had. I have been guilty myself! You're wondering what would have happened if you had just said this or just done that... And, maybe if you want it bad enough, you can find a way to make her want you again. That's it! Maybe if you just try hard enough! No, unfortunately you're forgetting the one universal truth that could save you all this trouble. It dates back to the Bible and the creation of man. It's called 'free will'. The sooner you see that no matter how hard you work you cannot change the will of another person, the sooner you'll be on the road to recovering from this relationship. The good thing about free will is that you have it, too, and no one can make you do anything you don't want to do, either. If this girl has decided things are really over, there's only one thing you can do. You can get out and find someone else and start being happy without her. How many girlfriends did you have before her? There's the proof that she's not the only one in the world. It just FEELS like it! And your regrets? Those are the big mistakes you won't have to worry about making again when the right girl comes along! Good luck!
I have a huge crush on a girl and she knows it. We're really good friends. Should I take the chance to ask her out for pizza or something? Signed, Wondering in Williamsburg Dear Wondering, Absolutely! You've got to take the chance! Besides, it's only a pizza. You won't be out much dough if things don't work out! Sorry, that was cheesy! You know what I mean! She already likes you as a friend...that's something right there. Worst case scenario is that you remain friends and you're right back where you started. Go for it!
My problem is that I worry way too much! My mom worries about how much I worry! See, I have a boyfriend who is in Vegas. He has been down there for over a month and I am going insane. His flight was cancelled on the day he was supposed to come home, so he started driving home instead. I told him it was too far to try to drive and he said he would turn and go back and call me when he got back to Vegas...but no word yet. I'm on the verge of tears wondering what has happened. He is supposed to come back later in the week on a plane. My parents tell me every day that I should break up with him because I am too young to be so serious and I should be having fun instead of worrying. This just makes me cry more! I know they're right and I can't keep putting myself through all of this. Why can't I just be laid back? What do I do about my parents wanting us to break up? I love him and he loves me. Please reply soon. Signed, Worried in Wilmington
Dear Worried, I can't preach here because I am a big worrier, too. You know the bad thing about all the worrying we do? It's always wasted energy. Have you noticed that? The things I worry about the most, turn out not to be worth the worry at all. Your boyfriend is probably having a big time in Vegas. I'm sure he's fine. You just watch and start noticing how many times you worry over nothing. That will start to teach you something. Next, what to do about your parents. Ever notice how our parents do everything for us to help us when we're little...like taking us to the doctor and the dentist, buying us silly Easter suits and hiding eggs, and staying up REALLY late on Christmas Eve night (cough, cough)? Then when we get old enough not to like what they're trying to do for us, all of a sudden they're the bad guys who don't want us to have any fun. Do you get my drift, here? Do you think they don't know what it's like to be in love? How many years have they been married? They DO KNOW how you feel and they do love you. And they're right about both of us...we worry too much! I made a decision not to worry so much and I'm cutting out the things in my life that add to my stress. For example, I hired a housekeeper. I got tired of worrying about when I was going to clean the house. You make some decisions like that, too, and we'll work on it together! Let me know how it goes!
I need some in-law advice. My mother-in-law has moved 10 minutes away from me and my wife and it's driving us crazy! She calls and stops by all the time. We'd like a little privacy and a little space! I married my wife, NOT her mother. I don't want to be rude, so how can we explain this to her without hurting her feelings? Signed, Crowded in Cleveland Dear Crowded, You'd better handle this one carefully! I would approach her in a way that the blame was placed on everything but her. She can't be made to feel like the object of your frustration. Explain to her that you are both having a really hard time at work right now, and with all your other responsibilities (list them off), you two are just really wiped out right now. Tell her you just don't have the energy to do so much visiting and would she mind giving you two a little time alone together because all of this is really taking its toll. Blame everything else and ask her to lay off as if it were an afterthought. Maybe she'll feel sorry for you and give you a break!
Is this a no-brainer? My friend thinks it is! I've been dating a guy for a couple of weeks now who is separated from his wife. They have been separated for 6 months, but they have 2 children together so they still see each other. He admits he still loves her, but he can never trust her again. Neither one has filed for a divorce and my friend thinks I'm in for a big heart break. Is she right? Signed, Romancing in Rome
Dear Romancing, Is the sky blue? Yours is my shortest reply ever! Congratulations!
I am in love with a woman that truly loves me back. I am happy to have someone like her that loves me so much, but I feel like I need her to be the one to tell me she loves me first. She cannot do this because of an incident that happened in her past. Once she had a gun held to her head and was ordered to say it. How can I help her overcome this fear? Signed, Anticipating in Akron
Dear Anticipating, Well, I'm afraid you have come to the wrong place with this request. I do appreciate your letter though, because it has changed my stance on the subject somewhat. My motto used to be that a woman should never say those three words first, even at gunpoint. Now, I have decided that a girl should say anything at gunpoint she feels is necessary to save her life. Then, she should get straight to the authorities and press charges against the offender. I guess you could say I'm a little old-fashioned in my belief that the man should set the tone for the seriousness of the relationship. It kind of goes along with the man being the head-of-household, etc. I think the girl should play coy and not let him know exactly how she is feeling until he lets her know first. The man, a good man, should be the lead in the relationship. I would NEVER have told my husband that I loved him first when we were dating. That is just MY opinion on the subject. No one else in the world may agree with me, but that's how I see it. I've seen a lot of girls do the opposite and the results were not good. Sorry I can't help you out!
My husband leaves his clothes lying all over the house. I'm tired of constantly picking up after him. I've told him a million times, but he won't pick up after himself. Help! Signed, Pooped in Paris
Dear Pooped, Tell him that from now on you are only going to wash the laundry that is in the laundry basket. When he runs out of clothes to wear, he'll learn! Either leave his clothes where he drops them, or pile them in the bathroom floor if you just can't stand it. Make him be the one who puts the laundry in the basket if he expects it to be washed. When he needs a clean shirt and he doesn't have one, he can only blame himself!
I recently met a guy in a sex club. He was very handsome and we made out and we also had sex. I found something about him trustworthy and he asked me a few questions that made me think he might be interested in me. One of the things he asked was whether he could e-mail me. I gladly gave him my e-mail address, but days have passed and I haven't heard from him. I have a sinking feeling that I won't! I have had several guys say they would call or e-mail, but they never do. Do men just say these things just to say them? Do you think he ever had any intentions of e-mailing me? Signed, Impatient in Indianapolis
Dear Impatient, The bad news is that you are probably the only person reading this who doesn't already know the answer to this question. You go to the video store for a video, you go to the gas station for gas, and you go to the grocery store for groceries. Now, where did he meet you? He got what he wanted and he's done! He didn't even have to pay! I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but they say anything to get them out of the awkwardness of the situation when they're finished. You won't hear from him. You haven't figured out that men only want what they can't have. If I were you, I would do two things. First, I would get in church and find out why you are worth more than being used and tossed aside. Second, I would go buy a book called "The Rules" and follow them faithfully. If you will clean up your act, you will find happiness. Until then, it will be one empty promise after another. You can rule your destiny if you have the will-power to do what it takes. Good luck.
How do you know when you're in love? I'm only 16 and my friends tell me I'm too young to be in love. I really think I am in love. Help! Signed, Too Young in Tulsa
Dear Too Young, Your friends must be older than you. They have probably been on both sides of the fence and they can see things you can't. Look at it this way...If my little niece tells me she has a boyfriend, I know there's no chance he's the love of her life because she's in third grade. I know she's too young, but she doesn't. Same with you. I know you think you love this guy, but I would bet the farm you two don't grow old together. That's not because I don't believe you. I'm sure you're sincere about the way you feel. You just don't know what changes lie ahead of you...and him. Don't worry about love right now. Worry about love when you're old enough to get married. Then you can worry about staying in love for the rest of your life. It seems easy now, but believe me, it takes some work.
Is it me or do all women feel like they have been betrayed and lied to when they fall for a guy who convinces you that they are sensitive and considerate? They say all the right things and do all the right things to make you marry them, then after a year they don't do any of it any more. My husband is so unaffectionate and ambivalent about my feelings. I am crushed that he is not as advertised! I feel betrayed and conned! What I want to know is whether this is temporary or not. I think he is feeling bad about himself because he has been looking for a job and has not had any luck. We have good days and bad days and often one of us sleeps on the couch. I am miserable! I really do love this man, but I don't like him. Is there any hope? Signed, Betrayed in Buffalo Dear Betrayed, Join the club, sister! Your membership card is in the mail! In all seriousness, I read your letter and had visions of myself on a mountain top with your letter in hand screaming Halleluiah into the valley below. You have voiced the way we all feel after the first year. Well, maybe not everyone! You can be sure you are not alone. I do think his not having a job could be a big part of the problem. There may be some self-esteem issues here. I'm glad to hear he wants to work. I know women who have men who won't work, and that's a bigger problem. All I can tell you is that my first year was the worst. We stuck it out and things are great. You got married for better or for worse...try to wait this thing out and talk it out if taking turns sleeping on the couch is the worst thing happening between you two.
I have a huge crush on a girl and she knows it. We're really good friends. Should I take the chance to ask her out for pizza or something? Signed, Wondering in Williamsburg Dear Wondering, Absolutely! You've got to take the chance! Besides, it's only a pizza. You won't be out much dough if things don't work out! Sorry, that was cheesy! You know what I mean! She already likes you as a friend...that's something right there. Worst case scenario is that you remain friends and you're right back where you started. Go for it!
My problem is that I worry way too much! My mom worries about how much I worry! See, I have a boyfriend who is in Vegas. He has been down there for over a month and I am going insane. His flight was cancelled on the day he was supposed to come home, so he started driving home instead. I told him it was too far to try to drive and he said he would turn and go back and call me when he got back to Vegas...but no word yet. I'm on the verge of tears wondering what has happened. He is supposed to come back later in the week on a plane. My parents tell me every day that I should break up with him because I am too young to be so serious and I should be having fun instead of worrying. This just makes me cry more! I know they're right and I can't keep putting myself through all of this. Why can't I just be laid back? What do I do about my parents wanting us to break up? I love him and he loves me. Please reply soon. Signed, Worried in Wilmington
Dear Worried, I can't preach here because I am a big worrier, too. You know the bad thing about all the worrying we do? It's always wasted energy. Have you noticed that? The things I worry about the most, turn out not to be worth the worry at all. Your boyfriend is probably having a big time in Vegas. I'm sure he's fine. You just watch and start noticing how many times you worry over nothing. That will start to teach you something. Next, what to do about your parents. Ever notice how our parents do everything for us to help us when we're little...like taking us to the doctor and the dentist, buying us silly Easter suits and hiding eggs, and staying up REALLY late on Christmas Eve night (cough, cough)? Then when we get old enough not to like what they're trying to do for us, all of a sudden they're the bad guys who don't want us to have any fun. Do you get my drift, here? Do you think they don't know what it's like to be in love? How many years have they been married? They DO KNOW how you feel and they do love you. And they're right about both of us...we worry too much! I made a decision not to worry so much and I'm cutting out the things in my life that add to my stress. For example, I hired a housekeeper. I got tired of worrying about when I was going to clean the house. You make some decisions like that, too, and we'll work on it together! Let me know how it goes!
I need some in-law advice. My mother-in-law has moved 10 minutes away from me and my wife and it's driving us crazy! She calls and stops by all the time. We'd like a little privacy and a little space! I married my wife, NOT her mother. I don't want to be rude, so how can we explain this to her without hurting her feelings? Signed, Crowded in Cleveland Dear Crowded, You'd better handle this one carefully! I would approach her in a way that the blame was placed on everything but her. She can't be made to feel like the object of your frustration. Explain to her that you are both having a really hard time at work right now, and with all your other responsibilities (list them off), you two are just really wiped out right now. Tell her you just don't have the energy to do so much visiting and would she mind giving you two a little time alone together because all of this is really taking its toll. Blame everything else and ask her to lay off as if it were an afterthought. Maybe she'll feel sorry for you and give you a break!
Is this a no-brainer? My friend thinks it is! I've been dating a guy for a couple of weeks now who is separated from his wife. They have been separated for 6 months, but they have 2 children together so they still see each other. He admits he still loves her, but he can never trust her again. Neither one has filed for a divorce and my friend thinks I'm in for a big heart break. Is she right? Signed, Romancing in Rome
Dear Romancing, Is the sky blue? Yours is my shortest reply ever! Congratulations!
I am in love with a woman that truly loves me back. I am happy to have someone like her that loves me so much, but I feel like I need her to be the one to tell me she loves me first. She cannot do this because of an incident that happened in her past. Once she had a gun held to her head and was ordered to say it. How can I help her overcome this fear? Signed, Anticipating in Akron
Dear Anticipating, Well, I'm afraid you have come to the wrong place with this request. I do appreciate your letter though, because it has changed my stance on the subject somewhat. My motto used to be that a woman should never say those three words first, even at gunpoint. Now, I have decided that a girl should say anything at gunpoint she feels is necessary to save her life. Then, she should get straight to the authorities and press charges against the offender. I guess you could say I'm a little old-fashioned in my belief that the man should set the tone for the seriousness of the relationship. It kind of goes along with the man being the head-of-household, etc. I think the girl should play coy and not let him know exactly how she is feeling until he lets her know first. The man, a good man, should be the lead in the relationship. I would NEVER have told my husband that I loved him first when we were dating. That is just MY opinion on the subject. No one else in the world may agree with me, but that's how I see it. I've seen a lot of girls do the opposite and the results were not good. Sorry I can't help you out!
My fiance' and I are trying to keep things small at our upcoming wedding. We don't have much cash, and we're not really what you might call 'high maintenance' anyway. Is it OK to have just cake and punch at the reception, or is a little more expected of us? Signed, Ready-to-wed in Rio Vista
Dear Ready-to-wed, It's your day and you can do whatever you want at your wedding. Anyone you invite is privileged to be a guest, and you don't owe them anything. Yes, the guests may have given you gifts for the wedding, but that does not mean that you owe them roast duck in return. I had a small wedding myself, and I admit I had the reception at a fancy place with some fancy menu items on fancy silver trays and the whole nine yards. But, as fancy as this place was, they did not offer those fancy, buttery, mint pillows or fancy mixed nuts. I just had to have those two things, and I asked if I could provide them myself. The caterer agreed, and I had them after all. I suggest you get some mints and mixed nuts and just put them in clear glass dishes that you can buy really cheap at a lot of places. This will add a nice touch and won't cost you much. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
How do I tell a guy I like him in the best way? Signed, Curious in Crossville
Dear Curious, If you've read my other letters, you know I'm all for the guy telling you he loves you FIRST. That's just my opinion. Go ahead and tell him you really like him a lot if you want to, but just don't say those three little words! Also, actions speak louder than words anyway, so do some really nice things for him that will let him know you like him. Bake him some cookies or buy him a thoughtful little gift you know he will like. Good luck!
Well, here goes nothing. I've known this girl for 3 years, and this last year, I've fallen completely in love with her. She's in a 3 year relationship, but she doesn't seem happy. I don't know if she'd ever cross the line, but I think that's the last thing from her mind. I love her. Very simply, very truly. She's the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I predict they break up soon, but you can never tell. I don't come off strong, in fact, she hasn't the slightest clue that I love her. She tells me she loves me, but I know she means as a friend, and it kills me every time she's with her boyfriend. I've tried to make compromises with God, and I hope he pulls through. What should I do? Should I be patient until they break up, then make my move? Do you think me confessing to her could throw her whole world into upheaval? I think if I tell her, there'd be an awkwardness between the two of us, but if she has feelings for me, it might work out good. I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me like that, but I'd thank my lucky stars if she did. Having her is the most I've ever wanted out of life, and I'd sacrifice anything to get her. She's my best friend, and she's forever changed me, and my life. Is there some light to shed on this? I do a lot of stuff with her also, like movies, etc. Any suggestions on what to do? I'm willing to try anything, and do anything to get her. She makes my whole life worthwhile. I think if I just come out and say it, it'll be weird, should I hint at the fact I love her? I'm confused. Please reply ASAP. Signed, Debating in Decatur
Dear Debating, I am going to give you some advice that I know you are not going to take! I can tell you are already too far gone to listen. This girl has really got your wheels spinning and she doesn't even know it! First of all, your gut is telling you that she only likes you as a friend. Usually your gut is right. If you spill your guts to her and you're right about how she feels, it WILL make things awkward between you two. Maybe you should jokingly tell her that she should dump her boyfriend and get together with you the next time they are having problems. No, I don't think you should go around trying to break up relationships, I just think you could feel her out on the subject since you think she is unhappy with her boyfriend and about to break up anyway. Here's the ugly truth about being in love with people who are in love with someone else: Fantasy is better than reality. I knew a fellow who was totally in love with a girl for years and years while she dated someone else. Her relationship finally ended and he got to date her. He also married her. Did it work out happily ever after? No. Why? Because he was in love with a fantasy. They were totally wrong for each other. You better start thinking with your head on this one. Is it more a case of wanting what you can't have? I'm just asking. ...And about those deals with God, I can't count the unanswered prayers I thank God for everyday! Go ask someone twice your age and you'll see! The best thing that ever happened to me was that relationship I wanted to work out so badly and it didn't! Good luck!
Dear AdviceLady, I have the biggest crush on this guy but he doesn't know and I can't tell him because I know he doesn't like me! Signed, Crazy in Cleveland
Dear Crazy, If you know he doesn't like you, move on and put your time and energy into liking a guy who DOES like you! Why bother?!
Dear AdviceLady, I have a roommate who is thinking of moving. I really don't want her to leave because I might end up with a witch. What do I do? Signed, Scared in Salem Dear Scared, You really haven't given me enough information. If your roommate doesn't have to leave and she just wants to, maybe you can sit her down and talk her out of it. That's all you can do. Try to talk her out of it.
Dear AdviceLady, The last two places I've worked, I always end up 'alone.'
When it's time to pair up or huddle together, whether for an assignment, break time, lunch, etc., I'm the only one
without a partner or group. Some of the others were friends before they started working here, but not all of them.
I'm kind of shy and I don't always have a lot to say, but I don't think I'm unapproachable.
I try to initiate conversations, but after the other person's response, that's
as far as it goes.
Signed, Dear Friendless, Well, it sounds like you've got it figured out. If this happens everywhere you go, then it must be something you're doing. Maybe you just aren't a conversationalist. This is a tough one because I can talk at length with anyone in this world! Try this...try having conversations with other people where the entire conversation is about them. People like to talk about themselves. Ask a co-worker how their job is going. Busy? What about their daughter that went away to college? How is she doing? That will get them started talking and you just think of the next question for them, or expound on what they've said. Tell about your college, for example. It's not so hard. Just get interested in people!
Dear AdviceLady, I have a few questions I would like to ask. My husband and I are looking for advice from an impartial third party...and we chose you. Here goes! My husband and I come from very different backgrounds. His family never discussed their problems. Instead of dealing with his problems, he would always find a distraction such as watching T.V. Essentially, he was escaping the issue at hand. My family, on the other hand, would engage in active conversation for hours every day and I was encouraged to be open with my feelings. This difference in our backgrounds has caused a problem in how we deal with the day-to-day problems we experience in our relationship. When we deal with "our problems" it becomes a problem in and of itself! His theory is that things work themselves out. If we get into an argument, he closes up, stops talking and waits for me to miraculously forget and forgive. My theory is that we need to work through our problems, discuss them, meet in the middle, and compromise. I think that if you don't solve problems they will snowball into more problems and more frustration. Next, we are both busy people. He works to get time off so he can do the things he likes to do (which typically don't include me), and I work to get time off and organize my schedule to spend time with him. I am hurt when he doesn't want to spend time with me, but his rationale is that he's "here". Being physically present is not enough! I suggested that we spend one night a week as "our time", and he would not agree to this idea because he does not want to be committed to a schedule. AdviceLady, all of this is so frustrating and leaves me feeling unappreciated and unloved. I feel that I am getting little or nothing in return for all that I do. I cook, clean, do the dishes, do the laundry, care for the little ones, work, go to school full-time, make his lunch and dinner, shop for groceries, handle our finances, and bring in a good portion of our income. To top it all off, he fights with me because he says I am controlling. I think he is the one who is controlling and he manipulates me to get what he wants. In return, I get the short end of the stick! Ultimately, I would like to know if you can offer a suggestion to our communication problem. Also, can you offer a suggestion on how I can feel less taken for granted? Should I demand more from this relationship? Please help! Signed, Hurting in Houston Dear Hurting in Houston, When I first glanced at your letter, I wondered whether I had gotten up in the night sleepwalking and written this letter to AdviceLady myself! It was spooky! To say the least, AdviceLady feels your pain! I am not a marriage counselor, but I think I can help because I do have two eyes, two ears, and a brain. Sometimes all you need is that impartial third person to open up a new perspective for you. First, on your husband's communication techniques...this is where having two eyes and ears comes into play...he is dead wrong! How many shows on television and the radio have featured relationship experts touting the glorious success of failing to communicate in a marriage? Have you ever heard EVEN ONE expert warn couples not to discuss their problems and just wait to see if things clear up? FIND ME ONE! If your mate is a even a relatively smart guy, there is some other reason why he doesn't want to talk his problems out. The rest of the free world knows communication is the best route. Second, I dealt with this same problem of my husband thinking that just because he was "around" we were spending time together. A free day would come along for us to do something and his attitude was, 'Well, I'm here, what do you want to do? It's YOUR special day to spend with ME.' This went on until one day I started questioning him in a raving tone as to why it wasn't ever HIS special day to be able to spend it with ME! I asked why it was always a BIG FAVOR for ME that we get to be together. I asked him why he didn't ONCE make special plans and look forward to the time we have free to do something, etc. This was an eye-opener for him and he doesn't act that way anymore. My mom suggested we set aside one night to be together like you said, and he and I have really enjoyed it. Like you, I always arrange my busy schedule around when I can be with my husband. Like your husband, mine would like to schedule me around everything else! Yes, we all have busy lives, and men do like to be with their friends and golf or do other things. It's hard for a guy to fit it all in and we try to understand. BUT, we have time for our men because our PRIORITIES are in order. It's not that we have more time! We know what is important in life. Honey, you are feeling unappreciated and unloved because that is the clear signal he is sending you. He may not mean to be sending this signal to you, but he is not speaking your language and this is what happens. For example, I took my puppy to the vet and while I was there I discussed his bad behavior. That dog was wild and he was driving me crazy! The vet told me to hold the puppy down for 30 minutes at a time, three days a week, until the behavior improved. He squirmed so bad I couldn't do it, and my husband had to take up the task. The vet said I was telling him in puppy language who the boss is in the relationship. This can ultimately save his life! When my dog runs toward the street, I yell his name and he comes running back because he is CLEAR on who the boss is. Everyone loves this dog and our relationship is wonderful now because I learned HIS language. For women, we need communication, nurturing, quality time, etc. from our mate to make us FEEL loved. They can tell us all they want, but when we don't see the actions, they aren't even speaking our language. The two go hand-in-hand for us. I'll tell you what I told Mr. AdviceLady. Here's something they forget...he told me in front of the preacher, God, and my family that he would love, honor, and cherish me. They seem to only remember the love part and that becomes just words. It's the honoring and cherishing part that these men forget. I told Mr. AdviceLady that I fully intended to get what I signed on for...a deal's a deal! I told him I wasn't feeling honored OR cherished and he'd better get to work on it. I honor and cherish HIM! I WILL get what I was promised in the biggest CONTRACT of my life and I won't let him squelch on it! I was counting on his promise that day at the altar! As far as who is controlling in your relationship...you tell me. Who is controlling whom when one of you is lounging on the couch or out and about enjoying an activity while the other does all the chores? Who has it made here? If the one doing all the dirty work while the other has all the fun is the controller, they're really bad at it wouldn't you say? I can't tell you what to do. I can only say that you have a right to expect to be honored and cherished as well as loved, and you decide whether you will make him keep up his end of the bargain! Good luck!
I have a big family reunion to attend this summer. How can I lose 20 pounds in 6 weeks so all my relatives will think I look nice? Signed, Healthy in Huntsville Healthy in Huntsville, You probably thought I wouldn't have the answer, but here are a few ideas. Check out this web address: http://www.discovertulsa.com/partners/mix96diet.html. I know a couple of people who swear this diet works. Of course, you need to check with your doctor before you go on a diet of any kind. I also have friends who have lost a lot of weight on the Atkins diet, and I have bought the book and plan to try it out to lose a few pounds. I also like the Weight Watchers diet that gives different foods point values. The web site I gave you has the fastest diet of any I've seen though.
I have the worst luck with men. I am in my thirties and never married. I just can't seem to find someone with the values and morals I am looking for in a man. I used to be interested in flashy looks, but I just want to meet a good guy these days. I do know someone who might fit the bill, but he doesn't know I exist. He is also my boss. I adore him, but another girl at work is so busy parading herself in front of him that he can't see over her to see me! What should I do? I'd like to knock her out of the spotlight and knock his socks off! Signed, Ready in Rochester Dear Ready, No, no, no, no! Do not date someone at work...especially if he is your boss! The stories of these relationships working out are RARE. Horror stories of these things going awry are much more abundant. If you ever decide to go to work someplace else, then I would pursue a relationship with this guy. Until then, I would let "Little Miss Look at Me" knock herself out. It's like watching a bad car wreck when these things go wrong. When it happens, be glad it's her and not you!
I have a friend who is divorced and has no children. She is currently living with a younger man who has a child by his ex-girlfriend. This guy doesn't contribute financially to the relationship, and my friend is bothered by his visits with his child where the mother is almost always present. My friend runs around town looking for him late at night when she doesn't know where he is, and I'm tired of helping her look for him. What do I do? Signed, Fed-up in Phoenix Fed-up in Phoenix, Tell your friend you are out of the man-hunting business. I would just flat refuse to run all over town on such a venture. This is really a good chance for you to learn some good lessons whether your friend ever learns them or not. (Now that you've seen the "brilliant" choices your friend has made, you can avoid them like the plague!) If the guy isn't helping pay the bills and his only disability is laziness, show him the door! If he didn't marry the last girl, which he got pregnant, ask yourself whether he will ever marry you. You should answer yourself with, "fat chance". If you think for one minute the mother of his baby will EVER be out of the scene, maybe you should go take an I.Q. test. Upon failing this I.Q. test, hop on in the car and run all over town looking for him. When you find him, he won't be doing anything wrong. If you believe that...let me refer you back to those I.Q. results!
I have an old friend from high school that I really like a lot. When me and my other friends get together to go out, we always have the dilemma of what to do about her. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings for anything, but she has a foul odor about her and none of us want to go out with her for fear others will mistakenly think it's one of us with the smell. Can you help? Signed, Gagging in Galveston
Gagging, There's just nothing worse, is there? Someone's hygiene, or the lack of it, is a touchy subject. How in the world do you bring this up in conversation? Easy. Here's what you do...Does your friend have a birthday, graduation, or any other special event in the near future? If so, go to one of these trendy bath shops that are all over the place lately for her gift. Get a nice basket of assorted bath products and body sprays that you think she would like. The store personnel can usually tell you what the "safe" choices are and what sells the best. Present this to her when you have a chance to be alone and chat. Tell her how you buy all your gifts at this bath store these days and how much you LOVE the products yourself. Talk about how FREQUENTLY you use the soaps, gels, and lotions. Of course, it's morning and night! Tell her she should try them right away and use them all the time like you do. What if there's no special event coming up? Sister, we're making one up! Call your dear friend and ask her advice about a problem that's really troubling you. We girls can always think of at least one! Wait a day or two and show up with the basket as a special "Thank You" for her lending an ear and being such a good friend. If this doesn't work, you will be forced to resort to the brick house method. This is when someone needs a brick house to fall on them to "get it". Ask her in a very hushed tone whether she has ever seen the doctor about her problem. She replies..."problem?" You explain that you're sure she's been using the products you gave her, but maybe she has a hormonal imbalance that is causing her to sweat the body spray off or it is overpowering the gels and powder. You have a really FRESH smell when you use these products. I know this sounds a little mean, but soap and water are really cheap and she needs to get a clue and stop fogging up the room.
I like a girl, but my friend likes her, too. What do I do? Signed, Confused in Collinsville
Dear Confused, I can answer this question from personal experience. My husband's friend met me and liked me first. He was quite a smooth-talker, and he liked a lot of girls, I'm sure. I liked him a little, but once I met his friend it was all over except for church bells ringing. I've been married to his friend for quite a while now. My answer is that the girl will have to make the choice as to which one of you she likes, if she likes either one of you at all. All you can do is be as nice to her as you can be, and hope she chooses you. If you are dating this girl and your friend is sneaking around behind your back trying to date her, then he has poor character and you should stop being friends with him. Likewise, you shouldn't be the sneaky one with poor character. P.S. If you act like a jerk, she won't pick you.
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