Dear AdviceLady,
I love a girl, but this girl doesn't spend time with me much. Should I
still love this girl?
Signed,
Lonely in Little Rock
Dear Lonely,
I need more information than that! Does she have a job? How long have
you dated her? Sure the folks who love us should want to spend time with us,
but there may be valid reasons why you don't see her as much as you'd like.
That's what I'm trying to find out from you. Write back with more
information if you'd like.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have been involved in a close relationship for over three years now,
and while my partner loves me very deeply, he's no longer "in love" with me.
He says that he no longer feels such excitement as he used to when he sees
me, holds me, kisses me--the electricity is gone and now he only feels
comfortable.
I have always understood that this excitement usually fades within the
first year of a relationship as in my case, but it seems that his has lasted
for nearly the length of our entire relationship! He loves me as I love him
now--comfortable, content, with only periodic flashes of the dizzying
emotions that we once felt--but because that dizziness lasted so long for
him, he feels unfulfilled with the love that he feels now. The reason that
he hasn't told me about this change in him is because he's been waiting for
months to fall back in love with me and as yet has seen no improvement since.
While I see his change as following the natural course of events, he feels
that there must be more to love that this and is very unsatisfied.
I understand why he has fallen out of love; our relationship hit some
sharp rocks these last several months but we held on by the very tips of our
fingernails. My temper incited most of our arguments and problems, but I
finally got it under control just in time. Although our relationship is
still tender from that beating, it still endures, but the experience
effectively forced him out of love with me, and he remains deeply
dissatisfied with merely loving me.
How can we help him fall back in love or be satisfied with what he feels
now? I fear our efforts to keep this relationship alive will all be for
naught soon. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him unhappy either
and while he doesn't want to give up either, he and I both are losing hope.
Please help us.
Losing Hope in Northwoods
Dear Losing Hope,
I feel sorry for your fella and I'll tell you why. He is in for a rude
awakening. When you are in his past and have a new life with someone else,
it will hit him. It will be way too late, and it will be his own fault. I'm
talking about when he finds this other person who makes rockets go off for
him and stars shoot across the sky. He'll enjoy them for a while again as he
did with you, but they will go away again, too. Rockets don't last...love
does.
I have missed feeling those rockets blast and seeing stars shoot across
the sky myself, but the difference is that I understand this is because my
relationship after all these years is at a much deeper level. I have
something with my husband that transcends all the fireworks. Yes, I thought
my heart would beat out of my chest on our first date. Just sitting beside
him in the restaurant was a huge thrill. That doesn't happen now, of course.
We've been together for years!
You are exactly right when you say that this is the natural course of
events. All you can do is make him understand this. He needs to talk to
couples who have been together for many years. You will hear this scenario
over and over again. You will find that most young people are all about the
rockets, but when you get older and more mature you understand that those
don't last and you want something more. If he hasn't reached that point,
then he is destined to keep chasing something he will never have. It's
called...the NEW wears off. Like it or not, the new wears off and we are
left with reality. What you have built together is what you will have from
that point on.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
What do you do when your son is being bullied by another boy in class
that also rides his bus? I've talked to the principle but got nowhere. I basically got
out of it that my son should hit him back, but then my son would get punished. My son is afraid of this boy and told my husband and me that he is
afraid because he doesn't know when he'll be hit again or why. This boy does
this for no reason, and they both are in first grade. Please help.
Signed,
Protective in Pilot Rock
Dear Protective,
Haven't we all gone through this at one time or another? I had girls
who bullied me in high school! I never understood why, but looking back it
becomes clear to me. I was skinny and they were chubby. I had dates and
they didn't. There were plenty of reasons to hassle me, but no good ones.
It finally stopped for me when I stood up for myself and got in their faces
offering to meet anytime, anywhere to hash it out with more than words. Yes,
that is about the most redneck thing I have ever done, but it was a last
resort and it worked. Everyone reaches the end of the line eventually.
Now with your son being so young, I'm not sure whether aggression on his
part is the right thing for him to try right now. That could be very scary
for him! I would contact the parents of the bully. I would plan to meet
them face-to-face to discuss the problems with their child's behavior and the
grief it was causing you and your family. If they are decent people, this
meeting will be most embarrassing for them and they will make sure they get
the boy's behavior in line. I do want to stress that you do this
face-to-face. Offer for them to meet your little boy if you need to in order
to get together with them. This will provide you with the biggest
opportunity for them to be embarrassed and that will assure you the best
response on their part in straightening their kid out. Make sure you are
very nice but concerned when you meet with them. That's what I would try.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Thanks in advance for your help! My boyfriend and I have been dating
for over 2 years, and he really is a great guy. But we've been having many
disagreements lately. I am a very affectionate person, and he doesn't like
it. So it goes without saying that he's rarely affectionate to me. I've asked
him to be, and I know he realizes it, because every time we have a
disagreement, he makes sure to do the things I've asked him to such as hold
my hand, sit by me while just watching TV at home or whatever. Any other
time, he's picking on me, tickling me (which I hate by the way) or just
aggravating in general...he acts just like my brother! I seem to stay
frustrated with his actions a lot lately, which causes a lot of our
arguments. I love him with all my heart, but I already have a brother...I
want a boyfriend. What can I do?
Signed
Aggravated in Avondale
Dear Aggravated,
I know what you mean about the tickling and aggravating. I get furious
about those kinds of things! You are going to have to tell him that all this
unnecessary horsing around is putting a lot of stress on the relationship.
He needs to cut it out.
As far as him not being affectionate, that is probably something he
can't really help. I'm not a very affectionate person and when I dated boys
that were it really bugged me. I just don't feel the need to hold hands or
snuggle up. That doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I like my personal
space. I'd give him a break on that one.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Hello! I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 months. He lives
about forty-minutes away from my house. When we first met we would see each
other quite a bit, and he called everyday just to say Hi. Now we are at a
dead end it seems. He hardly calls, and if I feel as if I want to talk to
him I have to call. He goes out with his friends all the time and rarely
invites me, where I invite him everywhere even if I know he won't go.
He can't tell me anything, we have a major communication problem. We
went out one night to Motocross. After the show was over, he kept asking me
what I wanted to do next. His friends were calling his phone so I said
(thinking he wouldn't) he could go out with them if he wanted to, so he
dropped me off. I called him about 30 minutes later and told him I was mad,
he said he drove around my neighborhood debating what to do, but he then went
to a party with his friends and called me at 1am and asked if I wanted to go
see him. I said no, and that was it.
Communication is the key to relationships right? How do I get him to
open up, pick up the phone, etc.? Do you think this is worth it? Thank you.
Signed,
Confused in Chattanooga
Dear Confused,
If communication is the problem, you need to say what you mean. Don't
tell him to go do something you don't really want him to do. Guys aren't
always sophisticated enough to know that's what we're doing.
As far as him not calling enough, you will learn that when it comes to
men...we spend a lot more time thinking about them than they spend thinking
about us. Find other things to keep you busy. Be like him ... be busy with
other things and it won't bother you as much. I'm not sure about him going
out without you all the time. Sounds like he has a lot of friends. Maybe
you should spend more time with your friends. Ever heard the old saying,
"What's good for the goose is good for the gander?" Ask your Mom about it
and she'll know!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Hi! This is my question in a nutshell: I have currently have a
wonderful boyfriend. He respects me, treats me like a queen, and I believe
that we will end up being together for a long time. The only problem is that
we have been together for five months now, and although I know for certain I
love him, I am afraid to tell him. My last relationship before him was
horrible (i.e., cheated on and dumped, etc.) and my current beau is aware of
how badly I was hurt. Although I really am over that past relationship, I
keep thinking about how I can bring myself to tell my current boyfriend that
I love him so much that my heart swells up every time I think of him.
Only one more problem -- we also live two hours apart, but we have
honestly been maintaining the relationship very well in spite of the
distance. He always drives to see me whenever he has time off from work. He
brings me red roses out of the blue, and spends quite a bit of money on me
for presents, etc. He does other little things that all add up. I am sure you
get the picture.
He has, over the duration of our 5-month relationship, mentioned
marriage more than three times. He has simply told me that he can see us
getting married in the future, but I also worry because the only relationship
he has ever had before me was when he was in high school. It was on and off for three years, and he flat
out told me that although the girl he was with was madly in love with him, he
did not love her because she was selfish and vain. If that was his only other
relationship, has he ever been in love? He is now out of college and has a
job. I know things are more stable for him now, and that he has matured a lot.
What I am basically afraid of is rejection. I am scared that he will
freak out and not want to continue the relationship, which would devastate
me. I told him once that I am not very good with telling people how I feel,
and he told me not to worry, that I would be able to tell him anything once
the time was right. He also has told me he has a problem with telling people
how he feels. Then again, he is male.
Anything you can advise me on would be great. Thanks!
Signed,
Melancholy in Mobile
Dear Melancholy,
AdviceLady would NEVER say the "L" word first in a relationship. I do
not advise it until after he has said it to you first. If he HAS told you
and you cannot say it, then mail him a card with the words written inside. I
never waiver in this for any reason.
Next, don't be stressed over his lack of relationships. I have seen
this before and it is usually not a problem. If he is out of college he is
old enough to be in a serious relationship with you and to know what he
wants. I would just let him be the man in the relationship and follow his
lead.
Back to Letters
Hey AdviceLady!
How are you? Here is my problem. I recently asked this girl out to
dinner. I know this girl from a bar she works at and I frequent. She agreed
to dinner but told me she had plans for that day but she was going to try to
break them. I told her I understood and for her to let me know. I gave her
my number. Well, the day of our date came and went and I didn't hear from
her. I saw her a few days later and I didn't mention anything, then I saw her
later that week. Towards the end of the night she said she was sorry she
didn't call but that she had gotten some bad news that day...that she stayed
home all day. Here's my question: How should I handle this? Should I ask
her out again or should I wait 'til she brings it up? Maybe she's not
interested and she is just being nice. Should I forget about her and move
on? Please advise.
Signed,
Shunned in Sunnyvale
Dear Shunned,
Smart of you to have put so much thought into this! Yes, there is a
chance she is just being nice and that is what you need to find out. The
next time you are in contact with her I think I would mention in a joking way
that you would still like to go out with her, but you're afraid the last date
you made with her brought her bad luck! Say something to the effect that if
she would ever like to chance it with the "bad luck" man again to give you a
call and you'll treat her to a nice dinner or something. Then, immediately
change the subject to how great one of the appetizers there is and how you'll
definitely get another order the next time you're in...anything to change the
subject quickly so she does not have to respond then and there. Act very
lighthearted...no pressure. That will leave the door wide open for her to
let you know if she is interested and you don't have to embarrass yourself
either!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Okay, I am 13 year-old girl, and I was going out with an 17 year-old
guy. I am very shy, so he dumped me because he thought I was boring. Once people get
to know me, they just want me to shut up! I really like him and I don't know
what to do. Do you have any advice so I can get him back?! Oh, and we also
had a communicating problem, he is deaf and he signs. I don't know much sign
so I didn't know if that could have been a problem. Can you help?
Signed,
Boring in Bartlesville
Dear Boring,
Well, you will definitely be one reader who thinks I'm not cool at all.
I would be horrified if my 13 year-old daughter wanted to date a 17 year-old
boy. This is a really bad idea for lots of reasons that you don't understand
right now. I know you think parents oppose these kinds of relationships
because they don't want their kids to have fun, but that is not the reason
parents are against these relationships. You haven't said whether your
parents are opposed, but I hope they are. My husband admits what he was up
to at age 17 and I remember what all the boys in high school were up to at
that age. He is older and more curious about the birds and bees than you
are, I'm sure. Even if he is the nicest boy in the world, he is at a
different stage in life than you are. Talk to your parents about this. They
can help you understand why seeing him is not a good idea for you.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I'm sure that my question isn't very unique, but I have never been
in a situation like this before. I've known (and loved) this guy for 9
years. We started out as a couple (2 yrs) and ended up as friends...
friendlier than we should've been, but forgiven since we were each other's
first love.
In recent years I have found out that he has hit two of his
girlfriends. He doesn't deny it, but doesn't explain the situations
either. His friends don't defend him, but do tell me that my ex was
provoked. In one case the girl hit, purposely, his injured leg just for
spite.
My problem is that we have started seeing each other. I want to know
if men that hit women only do it to certain women or if it's a personality
trait and they are bound to eventually hit any woman that he is
with.
I have never been in a relationship where a man would dare to hit
me, so I have no idea about this, but I need help before I get more
involved.
Signed,
Scared in Southfield
Dear Scared,
Unfortunately I have a little experience with
this exact problem. I dated a boy for 4 years who, at the end of the
relationship, hit around on me. It was the hitting that ended the
relationship. I am not a professional psychologist, but I did go see one
when I was feeling the confusion you are feeling.
I can remember sitting there in the doctor's
office explaining how it was my fault that Bob (not his real name) had hit
me. I had said the most awful thing I could think of to hurt him, so I
guess I deserved it, right? Wrong! When I ended my counseling with the
doctor, I understood that no women ever deserves to be hit by a man for
any reason and that it is never HER FAULT.
The doctor made me understand that this was
happening to me because HE had a problem. Men who hit women any time for
any reason have a problem. It is never excusable or defendable. When Bob,
who I remind you I dated for 4 years, came over telling me it was my fault
he had hit me and that I should get back together with him, I told him he
had a problem and I was finished with him.
The smart thing I did was getting professional
help early on when the hitting first started. It ended almost as soon as
it started because I got out. I swore I'd never be the woman walking
around with a black eye and staying with the man who did it. I would never
get involved with a man with this habit if I knew about it to begin with.
To answer your question, it IS a problem with the man. I would look for a
gentleman if I were in your shoes.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Hi! My name is Scott and I'm a 21-year-old male
from Sydney, Australia.
I have a bit of a problem. It seems I have fallen for my friend's
girlfriend. I don't want to use their real names, so let's call him
Frankie
and his girlfriend, Sarah. They have been together for 5 years now and have
never been apart during that time. Over this time I've become really
good friends with Sarah. We get along well and we don't mind flirting with
each other. In fact, some people have thought she is my girlfriend. Not only do I think she is so beautiful and such a nice
person, but I love everything about her. I just can't stop thinking of her, and I've felt this way for a few years now, but I can't stand it anymore.
Something that hurts me a lot is that Frankie treats her so bad and is
always being nasty to her in front of other people.
Sometimes I wish I could stand up and tell him not
to talk to Sarah like
that, but who am I to interfere in their relationship? I don't think he
deserves to be with her, and I know I would do anything to have Sarah as my
girlfriend, but if that was to happen it would end a good friendship with
Frankie. What should I do about this?
Signed,
Sick-in-love in Sydney
Dear Sick-in-love,
I'll tell you a few things I've noticed about
people who fall 'in love'
with the boyfriend or girlfriend of a friend. This may or may not be
the
case with you, but you can give it some thought.
It seems like the person in your shoes in this
situation decides they
want the other person at any cost. During this thought process, they
convince themselves that they deserve to be with this person and the
'Frankie' in question isn't good enough. Now, in this scenario
'Frankie' has
never done anything to you, but you begin to dislike Frankie so
intensely...for no reason...that you would stab him in the back by taking
his
girl. Yes, if she participates she is pretty low, too, but that's
another
subject. What concerns me is the sick way in which the person in your
shoes
in most of these situations goes from friend to enemy due to coveting
something that is your neighbor's. It is really a CRUEL way to treat a
friend. Now you tell me, is that what is happening here? If so,
you should
stop obsessing over this girl immediately. Get professional help if
necessary. You should decide that you are going to stop seeing her and
that
you two will only be together if Frankie ever breaks up with her. What
you
could do to Frankie could scar him emotionally forever. Like I said,
it
would be CRUEL. You wouldn't want it done to you, so do whatever you
have to
do to STOP THIS.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My sister has been dating a guy seriously for about
a year and a half.
In the beginning things weren't going so great and he broke her heart on a
number of occasions. Naturally, being a good sister, I hated his guts.
Recently he has acted pretty nice, so I decided to give him a second chance.
Boy, he blew it! My sister and I had rented some movies and bought
some
pastries and invited him over. When he arrived with a pizza he asked
us to
reimburse him for our share of the pizza! I was disgusted and paid for
mine
and my sister's share of the pizza. My sister is a full-time student
with
not much money.
Now, I understand that this is HER boyfriend.
If it doesn't bother her
to split the bill with him, then that's her business. But, my question
is...Am I wrong to invite her over and NOT him? When I ask her to come
over,
she replies, "We'll be there." What do I do?
Signed,
Disgusted in Dallas
Dear Disgusted,
I would ban him from my house. Period.
He is rude and has no couth. I
have refused to be in the presence of a family member who continues to be
rude. I took it and took it, and now I'm finished. As long as
you wink at
this behavior it will continue. I wrote the jerk off that was in my
life, so
I suggest you do the same. You will just have to tell your sister that
you've had all you want of his behavior. She's always welcome in your
home,
but he isn't. Period.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have a friend that has brought me to this feeling
of abandonment about
fourteen times in twenty years. She is all sisterly, and then I end up
not
hearing from her when she gets a new boyfriend. Her behavior changed
again
as soon as this guy moved in with her. When I had an operation last
year it
took her three days to finally call me because she was helping him move in.
Now I called her on Christmas Day and again a few days after. No
response from her. She had ten days off of work and we were supposed to get together since we haven't seen
each other in seven months. She never called until she got back to
work and I was too mad to answer the phone at this point. She had also sent me
an email prior to the call from work to stick a picture I have of hers into an
envelope and mail it. It really sounds like she doesn’t want to see
me at all. She was pleasant in the email though and she did finally call
from work. It's like she wants to preserve me on a shelf in case of future
needs.
I had detached and written
her off, but this Christmas I was open
and got rejected again. It seems like all the hurt of the past twenty
years
is all bundled up in a messy package and I am so bitter. Is it best to
forget this person once and for all and do myself a favor. I am not
demanding and can’t understand why good friends wouldn’t see each other.
We
live only five minutes apart by car. I came close to meeting this guy
a couple of times but we missed each other. I could talk to her but
feel more like ignoring her at this point forever.
Forgive or forget?
Signed,
Let Down in Louisville
Dear Let Down,
Stop doing all of the work. You set back and
let your friend get in
touch with YOU. When you do hear from her, be nice. Then, wait
to hear from
her again. You just stop worrying about it so much.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
The problem I have is that I have very strong
feelings about a girl I
was introduced to recently. Well, I guess the real problem is that I
haven't
spoken to her since. Can you tell me how to tell her how I feel in a
way
that would work for me? Thanks!
Signed,
Smitten in Shreveport
Dear Smitten,
Don't go and lay a big heavy situation on a girl
you just met. Just
initiate a friendship with her and give her a chance to like you back.
She
might already, or she may need a little time. Don't be in such a rush!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have been in a relationship with a man for
almost 3 years. We moved
in together last summer. Now I'm having second thoughts about our
relationship. I'm not sure if we want the same things out of life.
Lately I
have found myself attracted to one of his friends and coworkers. This
other
man and I seem to have a lot in common. I really think I'm falling for this
other man. What should I do?
Signed,
Wandering eye in Watertown
Dear Wondering eye,
Going for the friend is almost always a very
hurtful proposition for all
involved. I say that because your relationship with him has lasted for
so
long. We're not just talking about a couple of dates here. I wouldn't
do it.
There are more fish in the sea.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I just met this guy and he is so cool. I met
all of his friends and
even his mom. He tells me that he likes me and that's cool because I
like
him, too. The only problem is like one minute he'll say something
about how
much he misses his ex-girlfriend, and then the next minute he'll say
something about us being together. I just don't know what to do.
Should I
say good-bye and forget about him, or should I tell him that I want us to be
together? Help please.
Signed,
Second Fiddle in Seattle
Dear Second Fiddle,
The longer you live you will come to realize that
lost loves are
something you never really get over sometimes. It is fine for him to
feel
this way. He just hasn't developed the self restraint not to talk
about it.
If he persists, give him a gentle lesson in etiquette. Let him know
that it
is not appropriate for him to talk with you about missing this other girl.
Tell him that you understand, but he should really talk to his parents or
other friends about this. You will feel the same way someday about
someone.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I was asked out by this guy at school and I said,
yes. Two days later
he told me he just wanted to be friends and I ran off crying. I heard
that
he did this because he caught me kissing someone else, but that's not true.
I've been trying to talk to him, but all I get is excuses. That really
gets
to me.
Signed,
Hurting in Hood River
Dear Hurting,
Someone is playing games here at your expense.
This boy may be in on
it. Wash your hands of the whole thing and do not attempt to talk to
him
again if he is not interested. This might be your first experience at
rising
ABOVE a situation. This is all beneath you and you should not even
entertain
it.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I'm married to a man who never has anything good to
say about anything.
The words 'thank you' have never passed his lips. He very seldom tells
me he
loves me, and if I say the sky is blue he finds fault with the color.
When
he puts his arms around me it only means one thing! To top it all off,
he's
not too excited about working! My question is this: Does being
around
someone like this make you become like this, or does it make you run like
HE#@?
Signed,
Mad in McGovern
Dear Mad,
If you weren't married to this man I'd tell you to
run for the hills.
Nothing would disgust me more than a man who won't work constantly
critiquing
everything and expecting me to dish out the romance like he is anyone
pleasant to be around! But, you married him. I find it hard to
believe that
he didn't act like this before. Whatever attracted you to him in the
first
place I cannot imagine. I guess you've made your bed now and you can
lie in
it. You don't get a divorce because you got exactly what you signed on
for.
Right?
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am a freshman in college and I'm having "boy" problems.
Every time I have
a problem and try to talk to my boyfriend, he totally ignores me. We
have
only known each other for about 3 months and I feel that he should be more
receptive to my problems. I know that we're not like husband and wife,
but
after 3 months I feel pretty close to him. Can you help me out, I
really
need it.
Signed,
Vulnerable in Valdosta
PS. I saw a flyer for your website on campus here and thought I would
drop
you a line.
Dear Vulnerable,
It is so good to hear from you! My little
brother goes to your college
(I have deleted the name from the letter), and he posted those signs because
he loves AdviceLady! He came up with my slogan for me...fresh advice
for the
new millennium.
About your problem, I know first hand what a
stressful situation you two
are in. You and your boyfriend are probably studying your tails off
like my
brother. I know my brother was shocked at how much work he is having
to put
in at the prestigious school where you are all so lucky to attend. He
was
accustomed to making the honor roll with no effort. You might as well
learn
early that a young boy is not going to make a girl his top priority in a
situation like you two are in now. It will take more time and more
growing
up on his part. You two are young, and he may feel overwhelmed right
now.
He may not be flat out ignoring you like you think he is. Give the
relationship time. He may very well care a lot for you. He may
just be a
little inexperienced in showing it. Hang in there. You'll
know when he's
had long enough to come around.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I know you probably get lots of letters from women
saying their men
aren't as romantic as they would like, but here's the flip side. My
wife of
almost 20 years has gradually become less and less interested in a physical
relationshop to the point where "once a month" is about the
standard - and
then it's without much energy or satisfaction. No, she's not getting
it
somewhere else, and yes, I'm still a positive, physically fit, and caring
kind of guy that I'm certain other women find attractive. Talking about the
issue doesn't seem to get anywhere, and now I've reached the point where
it's
not really worth the energy and frustration to initiate intimacy. It's
sad.
I don't really want to go "looking elsewhere" as the other areas
of our life
are working. Any ideas?
Signed,
Doing Without in Dothan
Dear Doing Without,
This is not an uncommon complaint at all. I
don't have many girlfriends
who care that much for a physical relationship. More of my friends are
bothered by being chased around the bedroom all the time. Women just
will
never be the sexual creatures that men are.
I can tell you this, though. We have a lot
more than romance on our
minds every day. Men seem to think about one or two things...the
second
being money. We have all our house chores on our minds...which should
I do
next, the laundry or the dishes? We think about our jobs and our
family
responsibilities. I am constantly decorating the house in my mind.
I look
around and see everything that needs to be done. I'm drawing plans and
making lists and running out to stores. We just feel like we have more
important things to do, I guess. So much is weighing on us these days.
I
recommend that you help her get all these other things off her mind.
Help
with the chores that are worrying her. Get those projects done that
have
been waiting for your next day off. Help her clear her mind and take
some
time to really relax and not have a thing in this world to do. She
would
probably be way more likely to snuggle up to you when all her stress has
gone. P.S. You look like a hero, too.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I work in an office environment (actually proofreading)
in a printing
company. My company recently hired several very young (early 20's) people to
work in our area. Although these young people are generally nice people,
their work ethics are less than ideal (much less, actually). They waste much
time in personal talking and joking and laughing which is quite distracting
to the rest of the department. They have been asked many times by
supervisors
and coworkers to keep their voices down so as not to constantly disturb
others, but the requests are generally ignored
immediately after they have been asked. Also, foul language sometimes
accompanies this loud talk. We have complained to upper management about
this several times without results. I would like to know what I can say to
these young people in a non-serious and non-put-down manner to get the
message across that we enjoy their youth and enthusiasm but that their work
ethics need some attention.
Signed,
Bothered in Burlington
Dear Bothered,
I am generally a comedian, so my approach would be
a funny one. Kids
would appreciate that. The next time they are getting rowdy, yell out
from
your desk something like, "Would you whipper snappers pipe down
in there,
there's an old lady in here trying to get some work done!" The
next time
they do it you say, "I told you kids that granny can't handle all this
noise.
Do I have to break out the nerve pills in here?" I would be
very friendly
and joking with them. When you hear them cursing you tell them they
may not
know it (joke, joke) but there is a lady present, and you would appreciate
it
if they would clean up their mouths before you bring your bar of soap to
work. Act like you're everyone's mom. They will begin to 'get it' and
they
will like you, too.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My man has recently lied to me about looking at
pictures of naked women
on the computer. This is a big issue because of an agreement we made and
a
promise he made to me. He broke trust and a promise. I love him,
but this
really hurts. Should he be given a second chance? He did
apologize and said
he won't do it again, but I told him it will take a long time to regain
trust. We have been together for over a year. What is your
advice?
Signed,
Disheartened in Del Rey
Dear Disheartened,
I would be upset with my husband if he did the same
thing, but a picture
is a picture and not a real person. I would try to keep in perspective
in
that regard and give him a second chance. Where I would not offer a
second
chance is in him lying to me and disrespecting me. If those practices
became
habit I would kick him out on his ear. Keep a watchful eye to see that
he
does not disrespect you in other areas as he has in this one. Make
sure he
is not lying about bigger things, too. You can take this as a warning
to
keep an eye out. Hopefully it will not turn into anything bigger.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I love your Web site, but I was wondering why there
haven't been any new
letters recently.
Signed,
Waiting in Washington
Dear Waiting,
I love my web site, too! I love getting
letters and trying to help
folks. My family and friends all tell me I have good ideas and good
advice.
I hope you think so, too.
I am sometimes slow to reply because I work a
full-time job, which I
love, and I did travel over the holidays. The weather was bad and I
got
stranded at Granny's house at Christmas! I probably need a laptop
computer
so I will be more mobile. I'm really cheap, so don't look for that to
happen
for a while. I also love to sleep! When I have time off from
work I sleep a
lot. Doesn't that sound lazy! I will start today checking my
e-mail more
often. Don't think I don't enjoy getting your letters because I
definitely
DO! Hope you have a safe and happy new year. Remember, friends
don't let
friends drink and drive.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
A couple months ago on a trip to St. Louis, Missouri, I
met this guy at
the mall. I told him that I just moved to Missouri from out of state.
He
was hot and he gave me his phone number and I called him that night.
The
problem is that I had to go back home 3 days later and he thinks that I'm
just visiting here for a while because I missed everything so much here.
I
wasn't expecting us to be as good of friends as we are, but it happened and
I
think I might be in love with this guy. I know he loves me, but I can't
bring
myself to tell him I don't live in Missouri. He always says that he
misses
me and that he loves me so much because I'm so honest. What the heck
am I
supposed to do? Could you help me please, AdviceLady?
Signed,
Dishonest in Dallas
Dear Dishonest,
Boy, you've gotten yourself in a pickle! I
hate to sit here and help
you make up lies to cover up lies, but the only thing you can do besides
fess
up is to tell him you decided to move back home. If he thinks you miss
home
bad enough to go back and visit for that long, he might believe that you
actually up and moved back.
I'm worried that it sounds like you two have seen
each other once and
you are both in love. Love is a little heavier and more complicated
than
that. You need to sit down and talk about these feelings with someone
that
has been married for a few years. They can help you sort these
feelings out.
Write me again any time. Sometimes I am slow to answer because I
work a
lot. I hope this helps you, though!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I've been seeing this guy, Chad, for a while now.
He's a great guy, but
something has died between us. I'm interested in one of my guy
friends,
Mike, now. Mike and I were really just friends until recently.
He thinks I
should just tell Chad I don't like him anymore. The hard part is that
I
slept with Chad and I can't bring myself to tell him I don't like him now.
I'm not sure I don't. I don't want Mike to know that. What do I
do?
Signed,
Stuck in Sallisaw
Dear Stuck,
Sounds like you are not ready for all the heavy
feelings that come with
having a physical relationship with a guy. If you had not had a
physical
relationship with Chad, you wouldn't be as confused about what to do about
him now. This relationship with Mike is already problematic because he
thinks you should just dump Chad bigger than Dallas. What about doing
what
YOU want to do? Slow your relationship with Chad down A LOT.
Just be
friends with both of them until you get your feelings sorted out.
Meanwhile,
think about the fact that you are not ready for a physical relationship.
What would you do if you became pregnant by one of these guys? You
don't
love either of them. What a mess that would be. You are playing
with fire
here. I hope you can see that.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I'm in a relationship that I no longer want to be in. I
don't want to
hurt him, but I don't want to be unhappy anymore. How do I make this
easier
on him? I know he has no idea that I am feeling this way. Also, we are
living together, and I have no where to go after the break up. I want
to
remain friends with him, but I don't think I will be able to live with him.
I need help!
Signed,
Finished in Franklin
Dear Finished,
You might just begin this process by moving out.
Living with someone
can be a hard thing to do when the relationship is not a strong one.
If you
move out and put some space between the two of you, you might discover that
you do still want to date. Trying to live together before you are
really
committed to one another piles a lot of pressure on a relationship.
See if
you can find a family member or a friend that will let you stay with them
while you get on your feet and find a place of your own. Explain to
your
companion that you do not enjoy living together and you would like to
maintain a close relationship, but you need to move out for now. After
you
are gone, if you still feel like you want the relationship to end it would
be
much easier on both of you to break it off. Good luck!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I am a guy aged 15 and I really like this
girl. She liked me for a
while too, until her brother let her hang out with his friends. Now she
hardly talks to me anymore. All of her new friends convinced her not to date
me. I am not "trendy enough," but her old cool friends tell her to
date me. I
am everything she wants... good looking, will take her on fun dates, etc.
She
knows I have a lot to give her and knows I really care for her, but how do I
convince her to stop listening to her friends? IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK !
LOL ! Please reply!
Signed,
Persistent in Palo Alto
Dear Persistent,
Give me a break! You are not TRENDY enough!
There's not much to this
girl. Maybe you should look around a little. If you're a good
looking guy
who wants to go on fun dates, I'm sure you could find a girl who thinks
you're TRENDY enough! Let her sweat whether she will get a date with
YOU!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
There is this guy that just started at my work. He
is handsome,
intelligent, funny, and he is the only one at work that is my age. We
have
so much in common, but I can't seem to get him to ask me on a date.
I'm not
ugly, and I have a great body. I can't figure it out. Co-workers
have even
said that he liked me. We are allowed inner-office relationships, so
there
shouldn't be any reason that he hasn't asked me yet. How can I get
this guy
to ask me out?
Signed,
Frustrated in Franklin
Dear Frustrated,
I agree that he is smart! Dating people you
work with is a terrible
idea and he will be doing you a favor as long as he is not asking!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My name is Mitch, and I am from Canada. There is
this girl I really
like, Lucy. She used to write me and talk to me all the time, then all of
the
sudden she stopped. I didn't do anything at all. I've written her asking
why,
but she hasn't responded. Is there anything I can do?
Signed,
Hurting in High River
Dear Hurting,
Look at it this way...if you don't have
communication in a relationship,
you don't have anything. What can you do if you don't know what's
wrong?
Your hands are tied! I would take a break from relationships for a
while if
I were you. When you are feeling better about all of this, maybe you
can
give it a try again with someone else. Good luck!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Hi! Me and my ex were together for 4 years,
and I would have to say I
didn't know much about love back then. We have been apart for about a
year now. She just got out of a bad relationship and feels she can't trust men. But now we
are talking again and I can honestly say we both love each other and want to
work things out. Due to her recent break up (2 months ago) she told me
she needs some time to work things out. So I am giving her space, but at the
same time I want to let her know how I feel about her and let her know I'm here
for her. So here's the question? How do I do this without
scaring her away?
Signed,
Restless in Russellville
Dear Restless,
Send her little cards in the mail. They
shouldn't say anything
heavy...just cute cards that you sign with a little heart and your initials
plus hers. Be funny and lighthearted! Don't be serious and
heavy! Send her
some daisies, not roses. Call her as often as she likes, but not MORE
often
than she likes. She will come around.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I met a woman while coaching her soccer team this
summer. At first I
thought nothing more than what a great girl. As the season progressed,
I
noticed that I was receiving more and more of her attention. This was
great
because the more I got to know her, the more I became attracted to
her. The
assistant coach said that I should ask her out; however, I didn't want
to
during the season for fear that it could create an uncomfortable
situation
for either of us.
At the end of the season I missed a few
opportunities to ask her out,
and one of her teammates told me that she was definitely interested in me.
Now the indoor season has started, and I'm still coaching, but I asked her
out anyway. We went for lunch and had a really nice time. I had to go away
that night for the weekend, but called on the Sunday night to tell her that
I would love to see
her again. She didn't return the call, which isn't that unusual
(it can
take 3 - 4 days for her to return a call), however, I saw her at our
game
that Tuesday night. Things were as they normally were...she would stand next
to me on the bench when not playing, and we'd talk, about nothing, but we'd
talk.
After the game, we hung around for each other and
left together. On the
way out of the arena we bumped into another girl on the team and the
three
of us talked on the way to the parking lot. Once in the parking lot, I guess
our cars were at opposite sides, I continued to my car and heard her say
good night, without
even thinking I turned and said "take care," and went to my car. I
could tell
by the look on her face that she was expecting me to say something,
but I
was too embarrassed to go after her. Feeling like an idiot, I left her a
message asking her to call me. The following day I got a reply stating that
she was very busy and would try to get a hold of me on the weekend,
she
sounded hurt.
I left her another message saying that I had a
great time out with her
and would love to see her again. The weekend came and went, no call. We left
messages back and forth.
I finally got to talk to her and apologized for my
actions that evening
and asked her out again. She said that I had nothing to be sorry about, but
she didn't think we were on the same wavelength. She thought I wanted
to date, but she
didn't.
I told her that I thought she was an amazing
person, and thought we
could get together and if something should come of it, great, if not... then
that was fine, too. She agreed to have lunch with me but would give me
a
call when she knew her schedule. That was ten days ago.
Everything has changed since that night I walked
away from her. She no
longer stands beside me, and she gets ready to leave very quickly after the
game.
I'm also smart enough to know that when someone
says they're not ready
for dating, that it generally means they're not ready to date you.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. This is the first
girl that I could see
having a long lasting relationship with for a very long time. Even if
there
is no hope of that, I would like to get things back to the way they were.
Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
Confused in Chicago
Dear Confused,
It sounds like she just decided she wasn't
interested after all. I've
done that before. If she is interested, she has a strange way of
showing it!
I would move on. You say this is the one girl you could have a
long-term
relationship with, but if you can't get a second date that will never
happen.
You will have to wait for signals from her now. Just be nice and
wait.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I met this girl at school that I really like a lot.
I heard she likes
this other guy who is a real creep. When I heard this I really got
sick...I
almost threw up! She and I have so much in common! Now, I'm just
lying
around listening to sad songs and wondering what to do.
Signed,
Sad in Sallisaw
Dear Sad,
Hey! You've got a chance to impress her, too!
You can surely catch her
eye if that creep did. Stop lying around and get busy! You've
got to know
you have a chance!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I got dumped real quick in a bad way. Here's the
story:
I met this girl many years ago. We kind of
kept in touch over the
years. Anyway, this spring we hit it off for some wonderful reason.
I
visited her, she visited me, (I lived in the South at the time, and she
lived
up north). Anyway, after five months of cross country dating, trips,
and
affirmations of love, we decided we'd try to move closer together. She
had a
hard time finding a job, so after a while I decided to quit mine and move
north to be with her. She told me I could stay with her for as long as
I
needed. Then after two weeks, she gave me the boot! She told me
that we
were incompatible. She's a hard-driving lawyer focused on a career.
I'm a
hard working architect, but also thinking of changing careers a few years
down the road.
She values materials and status, while I value people and experiences.
She
told me it was over. Finito. She told me that I was in her space
too much
(she's very private, and I'm much more sociable). My problem...I truly
love
this girl. We were planning marriage, house, kids, everything.
Now what do
I do? Is there any hope for us, or do I just try to move on?
Signed
Dumped in Dayton
Dear Dumped,
That's the craziest thing I have ever heard.
Apparently you drove her
nuts during your short stay. Is that your fault? Maybe not.
She may really
be set in her ways. I know she said it was over, but you've got to
hope it
can be salvaged. Try to talk to her and see if you can find out the
REAL
reason why she changed on you. I don't think you know it yet.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Hi! I usually do not do this kind of stuff, but I
thought I would try
and see what happens. I have a boyfriend, and we have been together
for
almost a year. I love him so much, and we are really happy. I
need some
advice to spruce up our relationship a little bit. Write me back and
tell me
what you think!
Signed,
Spunky in Selma
Dear Spunky,
Try taking a trip together. Go somewhere
really fun and exciting.
That's one good idea. You might also try buying a couple of new VERY
flattering outfits and changing your hairstyle a little. Get jazzy on
him.
Make him think you're really cool these days. Go have pictures made
together. Frame them and put them around your house and his.
Think of new
things to do together that are fun. Don't just go to the same old
places and
do the same old things. Change the scenery up a little.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I have been going out with this girl for about 3
months, and she is
quite a few years older than I am. She always emphasized on wanting to be no more
than friends. I respected that, and I never flirted with her or hit on her
in
any way. Yet, she was the one who always flirted and hit on me. I never
asked
her to be romantic until one night. We were at her place watching a
movie.
She started holding my hands and kissing me. I did not resist. She took her
shirt off, but it didn't go much further. That night she said, "I
guess we
have established that we are more than just friends." A few days
later she
was a totally different person. She doesn't wish to speak to me or see me as
often as we used to. All I hear from her now is, "I am not going
down that
path with you, and I don't take my shirt off for my friends. You will never
be more than a friend." When I say to her that she took off her
shirt for
me, her answer is always "I was lonely and confused." I need
your opinion.
Signed,
Shunned in Summerville
Dear Shunned,
I hate to tell you this! Have you ever heard
guys talk about crazy
chicks? You've now met one. Chalk it up for what it is and move
on!
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Just recently my daughter's father called to
explain why he left when I
was two months pregnant. Now he wants to come back into both our
lives. What should I do? I still really care for him.
Signed,
Hopeful in Henry
Dear Hopeful,
Well, I would think long and hard about it.
What has happened to make
him care all of a sudden? Were you happy with his explanation?
If he was on
drugs and is now clean or something, then that would be a good reason.
He
would have to have a very good reason for why he left. It needs to be
something beyond his control, like an addiction, in my book. He would
have
to be coming back for a good reason, too. He has to be permanently
changed.
That's just how I see it. I think what he did was pretty bad.
Don't let him
just glide back into the scene.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I like a girl that my friend is dating. He is
a player who is only
dating her so he will have someone to fall back on if his other multiple
relationships fail. He finds her annoying, and I like her a lot.
I want to
see her, and I wonder is that is OK. What do you think?
Signed,
Interested in Ingleside
Dear Interested,
I think in this situation I would just tell him
straight out. I would
tell him I think she is a nice girl and he isn't treating her right.
Tell
him you like her and you want to ask her out. If he acts like he cares
for
her, confront him with all the evidence that he does not. Yes, this
could be
your future wife. If he is a "player," and you are
sincere...take a chance
on making him mad.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
I like two boys, but I like one more than the
other. I keep having
dreams about the boy that I like less! Does that mean something?
Please Help
Signed,
Dreaming in Denver
Dear Dreaming,
I have dreams about the people I work with all the
time. It's just
something that's on your mind. I wouldn't think twice about it.
I don't
think it means anything.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My boyfriend decided 2 days ago that he doesn't
feel as emotionally
connected to me as he should. He wants us to be friends and says
nothing will change, but we won't be intimate. We see each other every day, and he says he
wants to be with someone and he wants it to be me. But, we are so different! He
still wants to spend every waking moment with me... we work together, and he says
I can still let everyone know we're dating. So far he's acting almost the
same. It's just that I know, so it doesn't feel the same. What can I do?
Signed,
Perplexed in Paris
Dear Perplexed,
This might be a smart move on his part. You
know, we women are always
accusing men of thinking with the wrong body part. Maybe he is wanting
to
really think about the relationship and where it is going. Maybe he
wants to
take the physical factor out of the mix. You should take this
opportunity to
clear your mind, and think about where you want this relationship to go,
too.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
Thanks for the answer about the mother-in-law
visits. My only other
comment is that when my mother-in-law has visited in the past she does help
with the dishes, but as far as everything else goes... I always end up doing
it.
Signed,
Wondering in Woodward
Dear Wondering,
If your mother-in-law is a frequent visitor, it
seems like you would be
pretty close by now. You should just come out and ask her to help with
the
chores. Ask her to vacuum or help with dinner. She will probably
be glad to
help once you ask. Hey, like I've said before, she's family NOT
company.
Back to Letters
Dear AdviceLady,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months
and have never gotten
into a fight. I live several hours from her, but I see her every other
weekend. We
also talk on the phone for hours every night. The other night she calls me
up
crying. She said that her doctor called her back and told her she has an
STD.
So, naturally she accuses me of cheating on her. I have done some pretty bad
things to girls in the past, but I feel she is the one. I have never cheated
on her, and I told her this, but from the way she talks I know she doesn't
trust me. I was so furious that I told her never to call me again. I know in
my heart what I
have done and I try to tell the truth, but she won't hear it. I don't want
to
loose her, but with a long distance relationship, trust is very important.
I
trust her, and the thought the she cheated on me didn't cross my mind.
What
do I do?
Signed,
Loyal in Lincoln Park
Dear Loyal,
I think your girlfriend is acting out of panic.
She needs to sit down
with her doctor and find out all the ways she might have gotten this STD.
Maybe you had it lurking dormant in your body from a past relationship and
have now transmitted it to her. You may have it, and you never even
knew.
She needs to do a little more research. Try not to be offended.
She may be
so upset she is not thinking straight. It would be a good idea for you
to go
get tested for STDs yourself. Good luck!
Back to Letters
